Why I Don't Have Time to Be Flat

I mentioned earlier the specialist I saw said I would "just have to deal with" being flat for a while while my meds adjusted. And I said I didn't have time to be flat.
Today I am sourcing bicycling nudists, synchronized swimmers and a remote controlled airplane pilot. For my job.
Like I said, I don't have time to be flat.

Boring but Necessary

I got to spend some times this weekend thinking about things. And although I don't agree with "the specialist's" recommendations, I thought, "well what am I going to do about that?"
So I spent the weekend cooking healthy breakfasts and lunches so they are there and ready for the next two weeks. And I forced myself to go to bed properly at a decent hour, not fall asleep on the couch and stagger to bed at 2 a.m.
And I forced myself out of bed this morning at 6:30 so I could begin yoga again. I stopped for a while and I can feel it - both in my spirit and in my jeans! And I picked up some of those Vitamin b/c tablets that make a fizzy orange drink and used it to carefully take my meds and multivitamins.
There will be no alcohol. There will be a minimum of late nights. There will be time made for me and taking care of me. It's too busy and crazy at work to not do so. So my posts for a while (not that I have huge website traffic) will be about carrefully taking care of myself.

rude awakenings and straightening out

September is over. thank god.
I have not been well. this cold is really shaking me down. Manic blackout last week.
I had to go to see the pharmapsychologist last week. His office is at CAMH. I have no idea how people get better there. From what I saw it is a beige institution. There is no visible hope, beauty, creativity anywhere that I saw - anywhere. I picked up on all the emotions there - too many negatives, too many unwell people. I was in tears by the time my appointment started, coupled with a cold and reaction to cold meds and missed meds - I was a wreck.
I did not like his assessment. Ok - I wasn't a fan of him - his boundaries are thick and impenetrable - which of course they'd have to be working there. But that upset me. I also don't like the fact that based on a chart and a half hour of me being a mess (see above) he's recommending all sorts of med changes. He wants to take away my anti depressants. He said until my medication levels out, I'm going to have to "deal with" feeling flat. He knows nothing about me. I can't feel flat, my life does not allow for "flatness". What is he trying to turn me into?
I want to talk to my doctor.
HOWEVER
I will do some things. I took the afternoon off on Friday and got my house in order. I spent all day yesterday making weeks worth of healthy meals. I will take my meds as prescribed by MY doctor. I will not miss doses. I will not drink. I will do my best to spend this month taking extreme care of myself.
I will not go back there.
I've been following Susan's blog lately, good stuff on staving off a depression. I did some of the things she's doing, cut back on some activities, said "can I get back to you?" on others. I may want to do everything, but right now I can't.
So thanks Susan - that helped.

Waiting for Wednesday

I really need September to end. It's always a bad month for me - too many birthdays, anniversaries, memories of funerals, of deaths, too much going on.
I am a mess. And I know it. Missed three days worth of meds last week because I was overextended and it shows. When I miss my meds I self medicate to excess, you couldn't give me enough wine last night. Picking up on too many wavelengths, too much emotion around me and trying to drown it, and wound up at home weeping hysterically. Cannot explain how much I love everyone right now, picking up on sadness they might not even know they are showing, and expressing it myself.
September - please end. Dragon, you've been awake and breathing fire for days now. Go back to sleep.

[sic]

haven't posted in a while - have been insanely busy this past week with lots going on at work, and lots going on after work - as a result I haven't been taking care of myself and as a result, it's not allergies, it's a cold.
And again, it's funny - when I don't take care of myself and the dragon rears its ugly head, I mostly try to ignore him. When I don't take care of myself and get a cold, it's game over for everything. Weird...well, not weird, "I have a cold" is an excuse or reason everyone can understand and relate to, so it's easier.
Work has been going medium to well. It's getting really hectic and I have to concentrate a bit harder, but that's okay.
I gave a workshop last week to a highschool for the arts on marketing and fundraising and it was wildly well received so I'm happy about that, plus I've been asked to return twice more to do Career Day and a PR and Marketing unit. I'm excited about that and pleased - I was really worried the night before that it wasn't a good enough presentation and clearly it was.
I started my civics class this week - it's amazing and I'm looking forward to learning more about my city.
Work is insanely busy - the conference is in just over a month and as social media expert my marketing initiatives move with great speed. Am remaining calm.
I got an appointment with the pharmapsychologist my therapist has recommended me to - I was surprised as the waiting list is about two months long and I am in in two weeks. Being me I can't just be happy I got in quickly - I have to wonder just how bad off I am that I got in so quickly. : )
Still it might be a relief to figure out a better dosage for my illness - as my therapist pointed out and as I know all to well I am extremely sensitive to mood meds, and we can't just keep jacking the ones I am on up and down. We've readjusted my anti depressants as I was bottoming out and could only explain while crying "something's not right". I had a couple manic days as they kicked in but I seem to have settled down somewhat.
Today? I will concentrate on my cold. Off to eat a bowl of strawberries! Then I will clean the house as I have guests coming over for a movie night tomorrow.

a day of self reflection. In a good way.

Today's Big Word

Pharmapsychologist.

Good and Bad

well the work we did at the retreat was good and valid. And I've been recuperating ever since from two days in the woods.
Nature for me is my container balcony on my garden. I have no sense of direction, and so spent the entire two days - you know that feeling you have trying to get your bearings? I never got them. I was worried about tripping and falling as the terrain was rocks, moss, exposed tree roots - over hill and dale the entire time. The food was the exact type of children's' camp food that triggers me - all simple carbs/pastas. The water tasted disgusting, we were four to a room - in short - everything that triggers me was wholly present. I was nervous and scared and unsure the entire time.
I survived. Moving forward.
Long weekends trigger me and it is one.
My birthday is in less than a week.
There is a friend I am desperately trying to set boundaries with and she is not accepting them.
Rough week.
I am more concerned about how to deal with this friend. She is not a sympathetic person, in that she truly does not understand mental illness. I feel like she wants me to be "the old me" - she only ever saw manic me. We've established she is a remarkably self centred person. Example - my doctor has me on a "no house guests" policy - house guests - specifically her - trigger me. She says she hopes that changes, and I know the only reason she hopes it changes is so that she has a place to stay when she feels like coming to the city. Not because it will indicate I am doing well, or getting better - rather so that she is not inconvenienced.
How do you maintain boundaries with someone who will not accept them? Who doesn't seem to accept that this is who you are now, and things have to change so you can continue to get well? And I feel most strongly, who doesn't seem to register that this illness? Is about me. It is about me getting better. That is what I care about right now, and can only afford to surround myself with people who understand that.

this week

i am spending today and tomorrow taking extreme care of myself in order to prepare for a group retreat on wed and thurs.
good lord.
at which point I remembered I had to go to the pharmacy! Good thing for this blog - would have completely forgotten.
I am eating super clean right now - brown rice, lots of fruits and vegetables, tons of water. Trying to sort out my system. I figure a couple days is better than nothing, can do clean breakfast Wednesday morning and clean dinner Thursday night and do my best in betwee,
Not really interested in the retreat - well, it's a staff retreat and the main thing I dislike about staff retreats is the completely lack of alone time and down time. I will get through it - it's like, 36 hours. And I can hide all I want when I get back Thursday night.
Have I mentioned it's my birthday in two weeks?
I know full well that has a lot to do with how I've been feeling and acting. I always get weird around my birthday - tend to fixate on what I feel I "haven't" accomplished, versus the many great and incredible things I "have" accomplished.
I'll work on it.

Someone Else's Words Part Two

wow. bit of a rough night. Moving forward.

Anyway, where was I? Right - the idea that it seems that it will take so long to recover/recuperate that sometimes I can't be bothered to and just keep going until I crash. Forced recuperation if you will.

Which is stupid, I know, don't get me wrong.

But the thing I struggle with is the acceptance part. The "I just can't" part. I've never been good at that. I have been accustomed all my life, to quote my mother, "to doing whatever the hell I want". And being a stubborn person, words I dislike are "should" and "can't", as in "you should take a break" "you can't go as hard as you do". My back immediately goes up and I think, "oh yes I can, oh yes I will you cannot make me you cannot stop me you are not the boss of me."

Cutting off my nose to spite my face, if you will. It's quite childish.

I must work more on acceptance. I have gotten a bit better in that the past few months I have been actively rejecting activities - it's just that some weeks sneak up on me is all.
My shrink says part of it is that I have to actually stop and think about something instead of just blithely assuming I will/I can make it work/go to it/do it. And that is hard for me. I've always been a busy person, having to stop and consider the reasons and sources of that busyness is sometimes challenging, to put it politely.
I will work on it. Mindfulness.

Someone Else's Words

out of her blog and into mine.

The Daily Living Manic Depressive Blog is another I've stumbled across and I am pretty sure it's a thank you owed to Susan. It's on the right hand side.

This particular blog post made me happy - well happy is an odd word - more a sigh of relief - well it would be a sigh of relief if I wasn't manic - it was more of a shriek of "testify!" It was the schedule of effects that struck me:
Went clubbing on the night of the 2 July.
Was manic on the 3 July.
Got somewhat depressed on the 4 July.
Fought to not get too depressed on the 5 July – mixed results.
Eventually restabilised today the 6 July.
All from one night of clubbing.

I TOTALLY GET THAT.

I have been all mixed up for about two weeks now, veering from high to low and back and forth sometimes within days, sometimes within hours. Too much sleep, not enough sleep. Too much food, not enough food. Too much booze, too many late night there's always something or somewhere I want to be see go to do. And that is part of the problem.
I work in the performing arts and am what is called a "city enthusiast". Consequently I could be out seven nights a week without thinking about it. From the 22nd to the 29th my schedule could look like this. We'll assume in an eight hour work day for Monday to Friday. Then we'll add in:
22 - afternoon barbeque and drinks in the evening
23 - MadMen dinner party
24 - library, dinner with friends
25 - book launch
26 - groceries, library, housecleaning, laundry. Finish writing applications.
27 - friend's band playing
28 - spa night with friends
29 - begin next round of applications. Friend's band playing.

How do you recover from a week like that?

i am like this. My friends are like this. It is a known fact that I "sneak out" of events - I will just pick up my coat and quietly leave, or else be roped into staying longer, later. Why do I do this?
Back to the blog post.

while everybody else would recover in one day, it can take me four days.

Sometimes it seems to daunting to even begin to recover and so I just keep going....
more later. Staff meeting and I'm losing focus.

six hours later.

you know what? I'm manic. 3/4 there. I am home, I am safe, but I need to go do a few things to get myself back on track. I will finish this article later, I can barely focus enough to type. Sorry.

Speaking of Which

Part of a post from Craig Harper


Isn’t it amazing how when our internal reality changes, the unlikely becomes likely, the impossible becomes very possible and the hard becomes incredibly easy. There is no universal hard or easy. There are simply events, circumstances, challenges and situations that we individually assign certain significance, power, influence and control in our world. Things only have the meaning we give them and the impact we allow them to have. We are the creators of hard. Yep, we construct it, refine it, shape it, re-enforce it and then we inhabit it. For some people everything is hard. No matter how good life is. Hard is built, maintained and empowered by them. I’ve seen some people deal with cancer more easily and with less drama than other people deal with a sprained ankle or a common cold. Why? Because certain people create easy while others create hard, that’s why.

Drifting

really good post a while back on Beyond Blue about drifting... one warning sign for Gretchen is also one for me - Getting the urge to do or have something because the people around you are doing it or want it.
I tend to do that/want that when I am feeling unsatisfied (or manic for that matter) - it's an "I want to help!" mentality I have.
Interesting.

See below for photo explanation.

Am adding a new blog to the" stuff to read" column

Sarah Fain has Starfish Envy

two reasons to begin with

1) the idea of Starfish envy intrigues me; and
2) her subtitle is "I'm thirty-seven. I'm successful. I'm single. Now what?"

mee too.

I am feeling a lot better. Good conversation with my doctor about how I have been feeling the past few weeks. When we went through the list of what I'd been through last week - too much activity, old loves resurfacing, working crazy hours, he said he wasn't surprised in the least, that I'd been triggered by a big old emotional upheaval. Sleeping too much? What better way to avoid thinking? Walking too much? Same thing. Basically everything I overdid was a way of avoiding the emotions, fears and feelings that a few people and situations had brought out in me last week. Coupled with the ridiculous weather fluctuations (see top and bottom) which, like medication, I am wildly sensitive to - well last week was very easily explained.
I feel like I am on the mend. Deep breaths. I feel the ability to make a list rather than panicking about not making a list, which is a good sign for me.
These photos were taken last night about 5 miles from my house - total before and afters.
Yes I identify with them quite deeply. How could anyone NOT have a mood swing with that kind of weather in your face?
Hope you are all well.

Head Above Water

Other blogs have had extraordinarily well-timed posts these past couple of days. Susan over at BiPolar Wellness Writer writes about how to write about trauma. Therese over at Beyond Blue writes about how sleep is sanity, and more importantly has links I can follow to her mega meltdowns.
I first found Therese by accident, seeing her video Me on the Bad Days, and oh how I could identify.
I am feeling better. Do really cold showers make anyone else feel better? It's like they calm me down, cool me off, both figuratively and literally.
My focus is better. I managed to get up on time today.
I have not cried. Or panicked. Much.
Doctor tomorrow.

Surfacing

Okay. I at least know which way is up now. That was a bad week. That was a week of foolish choices, too much of many things and not enough of lots of things. I needed to send myself to bottom, to crash the metaphoric car. It worked and now I can come back up from bottom.

I know which way is up. I can focus long enough to write this. My medication is taken on time. My ex has gone back home and we have said our goodbyes - this time forever. My house is clean, the laundry is done there is healthy food to eat. My home is calm. I try to be calm too.
A week of triggers, feeling like a duck in a shooting gallery - every time a trigger hit me I'd spin around to the next one, going faster and faster and faster and the dread, the feeling of dread and the only thing to do would be to drink it away, yes let's go out, let's stay out late, it's two in the morning who cares come over I've missed you so much and back up again and out we go, and drink and dance and laugh and ignore my shaking hands and inability to focus, knowing it's there but refusing to do anything about it. I'll think about that tomorrow, tomorrow is another day.
Panicky. Everything is tooclose like that, cars are tooclose, the road is tooclose, I can't stand to have my iPod in my ears, the breeze on my skin is irritating me, people keep calling and I want to scream LEAVE ME ALONE. I can't even get it together to call them back to say leave me alone, it's an exhausting thought, dialogue. I can put it out I can't take it in there's too much in me to take in right now.
I am sleeping every chance I get and I wonder if I'm tired or my body and soul is knocking me out to keep me out of trouble. It's not useful sleep, it's not quality, full of strange dreams, overbright, loud, always themes of competition, trying to win, being good enough.
Out of focus now. I have to stop. I'll write more later but at least I am surfacing...

back later. later may be twenty minutes. later may be a couple of days. but this picture says where I am now, and I will be back in a bit once I've formulated this week enough to talk about it.

oh yes indeed I am in a MOOD...

I'm actually pretty glad I found the Moods Pass post yesterday because today is a mood laden day. I've managed to convince myself I am unimportant, unloved, uninteresting - all the "uns" as I like to call it based on the dumbest possible reasons.

Breathe.

My friend went and saw a show without me. I am unloved. Another friend hasn't called and they said they would. I am unimportant. The same for another friend. I am uninteresting. Oh calm down. This is me projecting, this is me overreacting, this is me being a HSP for no reason at all.

I suppose these feelings, and the moods that follow in their trail are just a passing phenomenon brought on by a sleepless night or the darkness of a violently rainy day, or by chemical changes that affect our emotions at a level far beneath where we can understand or alter what is taking place.
I must tell the friend who triggered feelings of harsh rejection that I can't be in touch with her anymore... I've done that three times in my head today already - with three different people!

I really do think the weather has something to do with it. It's been rainy for days now - overcast, only bits of bright too hot sunshine.

pathetic fallacy - poetic practice of attributing human emotion or responses to nature, inanimate objects, or animals.

I have always LOVED this phrase and now I find I have to apply it to myself.

New headshots tonight, then a play with the same friend I feel oh so rejected by - see what I mean? Proof of me and it being me and me projecting - MUCH?

"Moods Pass, Don't Let Them Frighten You":

It's Mindful Monday over at beliefnet/Beyond Blue. Four words can sum up this posting: Yeah, I do that.


Some days vague moods pass across our consciousness, and bring in their wake a train of thoughts that cause doubts about important things in your life, doubts about work, is it worthwhile? Doubts about friendships, are they a distraction, will they end up hurting? Doubts about yourself, is there meaning to your existence? Doubts about so many things that you do, is it all without meaning?

I suppose these feelings, and the moods that follow in their trail are just a passing phenomenon brought on by a sleepless night or the darkness of a violently rainy day, or by chemical changes that affect our emotions at a level far beneath where we can understand or alter what is taking place. One thing is certain, that is never the time to make decisions that will affect your life or your work or your relationships. That would only lead to instability in your personality. Being steady and keeping on course in spite of frightening emotions is so important. Most of the time, the next day the sun will shine and dispel the fog of your morbid mood, and everything will seem bright again. And clinging to God in a time like that is like a ship with an anchor that reaches deep down to a stabilizing base and holds the ship safely in place.

Fr. Joe is right about so many things. Sometimes the best thing to do with an awkward emotion is simply to feel it and let it pass.

Of course that's not how I like to deal with my feelings.

My first reaction to a pang of grief or an intense sadness is to do something to fix it. Immediately. I must tell the friend who triggered feelings of harsh rejection that I can't be in touch with her anymore, or I have to fill the emptiness I'm experiencing with a worthwhile activity like sewing or scrapbooking (even though it pains me to say those two words), or I have to locate the exact source of my pain and get over it by lunch. I put my emotion on a schedule, and like a drill sergeant, yell at it until it does enough sit-ups and push-ups, until it's strong enough to bench 100. I strive to get in front of my sadness before it takes me down too far.

Still Feeling Off

Tea was lovely. The pictures confirm how I felt - too smiley, too bright-eyed, slightly insane. Managed to avoid post-tea martinis and came home and ate some healthy food.
Feeling off - a bit skittish, a bit restless, but somewhat sleepy and lacking in energy.
Did dishes, did laundry, cleaned up a bit with LONG breaks in between. Unfocused. Oh who cares, is how I feel, although I seem to care a lot today I don't feel like there's anything new to do about it.
Will deal. Quiet week ahead - new headshots on Tuesday night, a friend's 40th on Thursday. I'm already nervous about that - it's gonna be a big one, and all theatre and arts people which lead to an evening of over stimulation from all sides. I will be careful with myself.
More later - am distracted.

Tea and Frocks

I'm off to high tea with my best girlfriends. We"ve been planning it for weeks and we always have fun - we go and have high tea at a fancy hotel, frocks are required and we have a ladylike afternoon.
Unfortunately the dragon started pacing around last night during dinner, and hasn't quite settled back down yet. I have spent the morning soothing him.
I have to go to tea - I'd rather stay here under a pillow. WHich is where I spent the morning in the air conditioned cold dark bedroom trying to sleep him off.
This is where I understand what my doctor means when he says "high-functioning". I would use the term "stubborn" or "wilful".
I am all dressed up, perfect hair, perfect makeup, frock and pearls. It's not how you feel, it's how you look. I am going to tea, goddammit, I promised, I planned, I will be there. I will drink tea and smile and make witty conversation and the pictures will show we had a LOVELY time.
I am going to warn the best of the friends that I am "off" today - she knows already as I bailed last night on going to see a group of friends and their respective shows, and came home instead.
You know how you feel when you ate something that disagrees with you? Kind of off in your stomach?
The dragon makes me feel off in my soul.
Margaret Atwood novel has a great line - "I feel like the word shatter." I feel nervous and agitated and off and am worried I will be dead silent or take over the conversation. I feel twitchy and I keep dropping things.
We will have a LOVELY time. You will be able to tell by the pictures. I will try not to look too crazed.

The Highly Sensitive Person in Love

Man, Beyond Blue is on FIRE for me today! Link to them is at the right.

Elaine Aron, whose book "The Highly Sensitive Person" I've discussed often on Beyond Blue, also writes about the topic of sensitive-types in relationships. In fact, she devoted a whole book to it, "The Highly Sensitive Person in Love." Here are some interesting facts on sensitive people and relationships and why she wrote a whole book about it ...

Most of us assume that the success of a relationship between friends or lovers depends on having good communication skills or sharing similar interests. But consider this: A 1995 study found that 50 percent of the risk of divorce is genetically determined. Does this mean success and fulfillment in social life are inherited? What can we do about that?

The single largest reason for this genetic effect is not a "divorce gene," I'm certain. (To say something is genetically determined doesn't clarify much--wearing skirts or owning a rifle is almost totally "genetically determined," thanks to the genes for gender plus a lot of cultural moderators.) Genetics enter into marriage because of the way that certain inherited temperaments cause trouble in relationships. They cause trouble only because most of us are totally ignorant about the reality of the drastic differences that can exist among nervous systems. But with the right guidance, the many "mismatches" in this world can have the most fulfilling relationships of all.

HSPs in Love

Let's start with the temperament we know, sensitivity. About 20% of us are highly sensitive persons (HSPs); at least 34% of love relationships involve an HSP. And everyone has at least one HSP friend. I have found that when HSPs aren't understood by themselves and others, that spells trouble. That's surely part of why my data show that, on the average HSPs, are a bit happier paired with each other. They understand each other.

My data also show that on the average HSPs' relationships in general are less happy--implying that relationships HSPs are in are less happy, at least for the HSP. Why? HSPs have nervous systems that pick up more on subtleties in the world and reflect on them deeply. That means, for starters, that they will tend to demand more depth in their relationships in order to be satisfied; see more threatening consequences in their partners' flaws or behaviors; reflect more and, if the signs indicate it, worry about how things are going.

Because HSPs are picking up on so much, they are also more prone to overstimulation, quicker to feel stress--including the stimulation and stress that can arise in any intense, intimate interactions. They need more down time, which can cause a partner to feel left out. They find different things enjoyable compared to others.

5 Secrets For Sensitive People To Find Relationships That Work

this is an AWESOME article I found at Beyond Blue. I feel SO much better. I might buy Judith's book.

Beyond Blue is one of the stopping points of Judith Orloff's virtual blog tour. I was intrigued, especially, by the chapter in her book, "Emotional Freedom," on sensitive people finding relationships that work. So with her publisher's permission, here is an excerpt from the book.

Loneliness gets to some more than others. But why it hangs on isn't always apparent when read by traditional medical eyes. In my medical practice and workshops I've been struck by how many sensitive, empathic people who I call "emotional empaths" come to me, lonely, wanting a romantic partner, yet remaining single for years. Or else they're in relationships but feel constantly fatigued and overwhelmed. The reason isn't simply that "there aren't enough emotionally available people 'out there,'" nor is their burnout "neurotic." Personally and professionally, I've discovered that something more is going on.

Emotional empaths are a species unto themselves. Whereas others may thrive on the togetherness of being a couple, for empaths like me, too much togetherness can be difficult, may cause us to bolt. Why? We tend to intuit and absorb our partner's energy, and become overloaded, anxious, or exhausted when we don't have time to decompress in our own space. We're super-responders; our sensory experience of relationship is the equivalent of feeling objects with fifty fingers instead of five.

Energetically sensitive people unknowingly avoid romantic partnership because deep down they're afraid of getting engulfed. Or else, they feel engulfed when coupled, a nerve-wracking, constrictive way to live. If this isn't understood, empaths can stay perpetually lonely; we want companionship, but, paradoxically, it doesn't feel safe. One empath-patient told me, "It helps explain why at thirty-two I've only had two serious relationships, each lasting less than a year." Once we empaths learn to set boundaries and negotiate our energetic preferences, intimacy becomes possible.

For emotional empaths to be at ease in a relationship, the traditional paradigm for coupling must be redefined. Most of all, this means asserting your personal space needs--the physical and time limits you set with someone so you don't feel they're on top of you. Empaths can't fully experience emotional freedom with another until they do this. Your space needs can vary with your situation, upbringing, and culture. My ideal distance to keep in public is at least an arm's length. In doctors' waiting rooms I'll pile my purse and folders on the seats beside me to keep others away. With friends it's about half that. With a mate it's variable. Sometimes it's rapture being wrapped in his arms; later I may need to be in a room of my own, shut away. One boyfriend who truly grasped the concept got me a "Keep Out" sign for my study door! For me, this was a sign of true love. All of us have an invisible energetic border that sets a comfort level. Identifying and communicating yours will prevent you from being bled dry by others. Then intimacy can flourish, even if you've felt suffocated before. Prospective mates or family members may seem like emotional vampires when you don't know how to broach the issue of personal space. You may need to educate others--make clear that this isn't about not loving them--but get the discussion going. Once you can, you're able to build progressive relationships.


If you're an empath or if the ordinary expectations of coupledom don't jibe with you practice the following tips.


Tip 1. What to say to a potential mate


As you're getting to know someone, share that you're a sensitive person, that you periodically need quiet time. The right partner will be understanding; the wrong person will put you down for being "overly sensitive," won't respect your need.


Tip 2. Clarify your preferred sleep style


Traditionally, partners sleep in the same bed. However, some empaths never get used to this, no matter how caring a mate. Nothing personal; they just like their own sleep space. Speak up about your preferences. Feeling trapped in bed with someone, not getting a good night's rest, is torture. Energy fields blend during sleep, which can overstimulate empaths. So, discuss options with your mate. Separate beds. Separate rooms. Sleeping together a few nights a week. Because non-empaths may feel lonely sleeping alone, make compromises when possible.


Tip 3. Negotiate your square footage needs


You may be thrilled about your beloved until you live together. Experiment with creative living conditions so your home isn't a prison. Breathing room is mandatory. Ask yourself, "What space arrangements are optimal?" Having an area to retreat to, even if it's a closet? A room divider? Separate bathrooms? Separate houses? I prefer having my own bedroom/office to retreat to. I also can see the beauty of separate wings or adjacent houses if affordable. Here's why: conversations, scents, coughing, movement can feel intrusive. Even if my partner's vibes are sublime, sometimes I'd rather not sense them even if they're only hovering near me. I'm not just being finicky; it's about maintaining well-being if I live with someone.


Tip 4. Travel wisely


Traveling with someone, you may want to have separate space too. Whether my companion is romantic or not, I'll always have adjoining rooms with my own bathroom. If sharing a room is the only option, hanging a sheet as a room divider will help. "Out of sight" may make the heart grow fonder.


Tip 5. Take regular mini-breaks


Empaths require private downtime to regroup. Even a brief escape prevents emotional overload. Retreat for five minutes into the bathroom with the door shut. Take a stroll around the block. Read in a separate room. One patient told her boyfriend, "I need to disappear into a quiet room for ten minutes at a party, even if I'm having fun," a form of self-care that he supports.


In my medical practice, I've seen this creative approach to relationships save marriages and make ongoing intimacies feel safe, even for emotional empaths (of all ages) who've been lonely and haven't had a long-term partner before. Once you're able to articulate your needs, emotional freedom in your relationships is possible.


Judith Orloff MD is a psychiatrist and author of the New York Times Bestseller "Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life" (Harmony, 2009), upon which this article is based. As a gift to anyone who buys Emotional Freedom during her virtual tour - Dr Orloff is offering 100 free gifts from noted transformational leaders such as Dr. Christiane Northrup, Dr. Michael Beckwith, Dr. Bruce Lipton, Shirley Maclaine and more go to: http://www.drjudithorloff.com/emotional-freedom-promotion/

thanks Corin

I first heard a friend sing this song over a year ago and was deeply touched. This is a great version, but I will never forget the first time I heard it.

thanks Jack....

Well I spent my whole lifetime
In a world where the sunshine
Finds excuses for not hangin' 'round
I squandered emotions
On the slightest of notions
And the first easy loving I found
But soon all the good times
The gay times and play times
Like colors run together and fade
Oh Lord if you hear me
Touch me and hold me
And keep me from blowing away

There's times when I trembled
When my mind remembered
The days that just crumbled away
With nothing to show
But these lines that I know
Are beginning to show in my face

Oh Lord if you're listening
I know I'm no Christian
And I ain't got much coming to me
So send down some sunshine
Throw out your lifeline
And keep me from blowing away

Oh Lord if you hear me
Touch me and hold me
And keep me from blowing away

Twelve Step Reflection

Addendum: Number Nine is really a good one. I find myself reminding myself, or saying it out loud whenever I find myself veering.

Which of the list have I figured out - or am at least actively working on? I have bolded them.

1. Admit you've got a problem
2. Take action
3. Trust and cooperate
4. Get the power
5. Use and develop personal resources
6. Begin personal evaluation
7. Cultivate healthy thinking
8. Cultivate healthy behavior
9. Realize that feelings are not facts
10. Get on with your life
11. Give it time
12. Pass it on

5/12. Not quite a "pass". Italicize the ones others would tell me I've figured out, or at least am actively working on.

7/12.

Leaving:

1. Admit you've got a problem

4. Get the power

6. Begin personal evaluation

11. Give it time

12. Pass it on

Am going back to the original post to get the definitions of those ones, to help figure out what I an do to work on them...and as it turns out they're only "member access" to that particular site, and I can't figure out how to become a member. Grr.
Will figure it out myself.

Better

I am a bit better today.
I'm glad I am starting to be able to pinpoint what triggers me, or throws me off. I used to tell a friend it was like when you slip and fall on the ice - and have no idea what happened - one moment you're walking along and talking and the next minute you're on your ass on the ground, wondering what happened and how you got there.
I'm getting better at seeing the ice.
Good food today, structure, meds, vitamins, walking, self-care. Small blog.
Better.
I think and hope we've finally figured out the balance for my meds - I am and always have been super-sensitive to medication of any kind. When I was a child, the pharmacist would send my mom home with 5 of whatever to see if I was going to tolerate it before she bought an entire scrip.
Wish I could do that now - I have bottles of meds that didn't suit me in the cupboard - I'm thinking of making one of those mosaic coffee table tops...since all my pills have been shades of red, pink, lavendar and orange it would match my living room... :)
We shall see. I know I feel better. I feel on top of things at work, and in control and my boss has noticed and commented in a positive way.
Keep working little pills, and I'll keep doing the work I need to do.

(untitled)

Restless and Twitchy

In a weird headspace today. Am restless but don't want to do anything. Mostly a couch day. Managed to get it together to make a couple healthy meals for tonight and tomorrow.
Feeling unfocused. Ruminating over things that have happened and things that haven't happened. Weird.
Was visiting my parents this weekend - always a slight trigger. Am probably "coming down" off of that. Long weekends always throw me off a bit too, I guess.
Have started a new regimen as have been feeling a bit unhealthy - like I haven't been taking as good care of myself as I could and should.
I don't know. Restless and twitchy.
Friend coming into town next week. Haven't seen him in four years. I don't know how I feel about that. He knew me when... when bi polar ruled my life but didn't have a name - Some friends call it my "sketchy past" I smile a bit uncomfortably and call it my "wild child" days. It's weird now to think, no - just sick - and desperately self medicating with everything and anything I could lay my hands on - drugs, alcohol, food, tattoos, piercings late nights, men...
I always knew who I was under all it. I always knew who I was. It's who I am now. And I have to keep remembering that.
(see - I'm unfocused - I have no idea what point I was trying to make with that last paragraph.)
more later maybe.

I Will Do Anything

Salmon Oil ~B 12 ~D3 ~Folate ~Calcium ~Fish ~Yoga ~Meditation ~Sleep ~Walking ~Reading ~ Education ~ Breathing ~ Writing ~ Talking ~ Blogging ~ Meds.

I will do everything in my power to keep my illness under control and my medication dosage low.

How do you get from this life to the one you really want?

Found this at Beyond Blue.

I also realize my past few posts have mostly been posts I found elsewhere - I'm a bit mixed up right now, and can't quite get the words organized. Busy busy BUSY at work, ClusterF***s and SH**storms abounding and I am just doing my best to tread water and keep cool under pressure and not collapse.
And I did it BTW - my boss today congratulated me on my keeping my cool all day yesterday - a "could anything ELSE POSSIBLY go wrong??" day.
Boy did I take an extended dance break last night...
Anyway, I tend to stockpile things when I feel this way, stroing hoarding and I guess in this blog it's storing and hoarding other people's wisdom.
Cough.
Anyway - read below!

How do you get from this life to the one you really want?

1. First, Look Back

We all get stuck in our lives. The lucky ones, once; the rest of us, quite often. In order to live the life you dream, you need to figure out what got you stuck in the first place. What is it you need to move forward from? When was it you first thought, "My life was supposed to be different?" You need to look back in order to move forward.

2. End the Excuses

If you want to move forward, you've also got to end the excuses. No more "I shoulds," "If onlys," or "Well, everyone expects me to..." Excuses are a language to mask our fears. It's time to turn those fears into faith. Figure out what it is that YOU really want. Promise yourself that, today, there will be no excuses.

3. Understand the "Now"

To discover the life you want, you need to be living in the present. When couples get married I remind them to be present--put resentments, anger, blame behind them for a moment, take a deep breath, and just be here now. To move ahead, we have to fully understand our current state. Count to three and realize that this moment is sacred.

4. Celebrate Your Divine Gifts

It's so important to realize that you are a person endowed with many gifts. Recognize these tremendous qualities and celebrate them. In the Torah, God describes himself as having 13 divine attributes. You have at least that many too! Celebrate those attributes by identifying 13--yes, 13--amazing qualities that make you, you. You have to appreciate your gifts before you can use them to discover the life you want.

5. Personalize Your Creator

So who is this creator anyhow? Your creator is your partner, your mother, your best self, and your best friend. Your creator is always by your side, through the good and the bad. Use your own language to talk to this creator--talk, laugh, cry, scream, sing. You'll discover that you are never alone on this journey, and knowing this is vital in getting wherever you want to go.

6. Your "Spark" Matters

Each one of us has a special spark. Your goal is to turn this spark into a flame and give your own light to the world. You might think of the moments that have brought you peace and meaning--what thread ran through them? You might ask a friend or look to the people who inspire you. Above all, remember, your spark matters and is helping to light our world. It can just as easily light your way in discovering the path you desire.

7. Move Forward and Up

I hate the term "settle down." Why settle? Why go down? It's time to realize that the true mark of living the life you dream is to "engage up." It is to take a chance and break the routine. Even a small step is a huge leap of courage. You are a courageous person! You are!

8. Enjoy the Ride

It is easy to judge your path when the results are obvious. Are you happy? Are you successful? But when you are on the path to living the life you want, what really matters is not the immediate outcome, but the meaning that it brings to your life. You know there is meaning when the process starts to matter more than the end results. It's then that you exude the divine beauty that shines from within.

9. Keep Asking Questions

Living a life of meaning means that you have to keep living--keep "engaging up," keep sparkling. You can only do this if you keep questioning. Doubts and questions are what make your path in life so dynamic. If you are afraid to ask and reassess, what feels fresh today may feel stale tomorrow.

10. Repairing Yourself Can Change the World

So, why should you try to live the life you dream when it is easier just to live the life you already have? Because you matter and your life will be an inspiration to those around you--your children, your friends, their children, and their grandchildren.

In Judaism, we have the task of tikkun olam, repairing the world. However, the first step in repairing the world is to repair yourself. It's true for every one of us, regardless of time, place and situation--once you begin, you too will change the world and discover the life you want.

The Twelve Steps to Mental Health

I found The Twelve Steps to Mental Health (below) at http://www.changes.org.uk:

1. Admit you've got a problem
2. Take action
3. Trust and cooperate
4. Get the power
5. Use and develop personal resources
6. Begin personal evaluation
7. Cultivate healthy thinking
8. Cultivate healthy behavior
9. Realize that feelings are not facts
10. Get on with your life
11. Give it time
12. Pass it on

that's enough Rain I Think

It's been raining non-stop all week. I don't mind the cooler weather but the pressure system is killing me.
I burst into tears yesterday - complete build up over the past few days and it finally all came out. I feel - better?
A nice thing - an older couple on the bus were reading an article I'd written for a local magazine. When I told them I'd written it they were very impressed, and read my bio from the masthead out loud. "The gal who wrote this is sitting right next to us! Imagine that!"
The man sounded like my grandpa who has been gone for six years. I missed him a lot in that moment. He would have said the same thing, and been just as proud.
Then I burst into weeping at the doctor's office - because my blood pressure is slightly elevated. And the funny thing was what i was incoherently sobbing was that I knew it was ridiculous to be crying over this, that it wasn't a big deal etc etc but for some reason that is what put me over the edge.
I have a guardian angel cat. Well, he's the neighbour's cat (I think) he is all black with green eyes. He looks like someone called central casting and requested a witch's cat.
I hate cats.
For some reason this one has 'adopted" me - it seems that the days I am down or edgy or whatever - the days I am not right - he is on my doorstep, waiting for me to get home, and tries to come in with me. And I explain that he does not live here, and to go away and he does. And I have named him Winky (in the hopes of shaming him into going away...). But he kind of makes me smile.
Last night was a strange night after that whole day, long time on the phone with a friend etc. so I went out to the balcony for a cigarette. Forgot my lighter inside and went back to get it. When I sat down again I noticed the spare room curtains were moving. Winky had gone inside while I had, and headed into the spare room where I found him stretched out on the windowsill. And I explained again (after saying hello) that he could not stay there as he did not live there. And so he jumped down, strolled back through my room and headed out to the balcony.

What a weird cat. He must be weird, because he's the first cat I've ever liked.

how I am feeling today

I think this picture sums it up for me, but if it doesn't sum it up for you I will try to describe it. A bit lost. My hair would get tangled easily. There's kind of a path but not. There's not much space - things are close and scratchy. There's a lot of dead looking wood - but some green, too. The red is alive. it's dogwood - it just hasn't flowered yet.There's light in the distance and what looks like space and air to breathe. I must go through this to get to there.
This is a real picture I took. I have been there. here.

A Few Things in My Mind

Someone else wrote this. I agree.
Until we acknowledge that we each have the power to determine our own reality and create our own experiences, we will continue to be a puppet having our strings pulled by situations, events, circumstances and other people. We will continue to be the Reactor and not the Creator. Step one on the path to enlightenment, consciousness and lasting change (from the inside out) is to acknowledge that we can control our own destiny, we can each create our own reality, our world is not “the” world and our history will only become our future if we allow that to happen. Step two (in the Harper book of life-philosophy) is to understand that good or bad, hard or easy, happiness or misery are all choices – and to then live accordingly. And remember; by not making a decision, you are making a decision. Be mindful that the decisions you don’t make will have just as much impact on your personal reality as the decisions you do make. One way or the other. So don’t delude yourself. If you have the ability to think, reason and choose, then you have the ability to change your personal reality for the better. If you consistently choose to not take action, to not use your potential and to not take back the power you’ve given away, then you vicariously choose mediocrity and misery and have nobody to blame but yourself. Subscribing to the “things will work themselves out” philosophy is ignorant, naive, apathetic and shows a distinct lack of courage. You are the author of your life. Start writing.

In my own news - a word of advice? NEVER change your online passwords when you are manic. They're hard to remember the next day.

I spent the weekend in my pajamas. In bed or on the couch. Watching reruns and going outside for a cigarette. Occasionally. I dusted the ceiling fan because it was driving me crazy.

I went out Saturday evening for three hours. And spent the entire time very worried that my friend wasn't having a good time, that I'd chosen a bad or boring activity, that there weren't enough people there, that she wasn't having any fun.

I am trying to remember what it felt like when I wasn't medicated. When I wasn't always self analyzing and judging and wondering - when I just lived and faced whatever the consequences were. When I was ME and everything was ME, not an illness.

Except the consequences were injuries and hangovers and weight gain and loss and strange men and stranger expectations and inconsolable tears and fights and arguments and inappropriate behaviour and flying so fast I broke things including myself. And I am trying to remember those things were WORSE.

I think we'll be re-jigging my meds tomorrow. This sad flat sad can't go on. I am ridiculously sensitive to medication - I always have been - it's just frustrating.

"don't pull on my hand, boy..."

Two shows tonight and an apartment viewing and a band and two shows tomorrow night, which follow a massive housecleaning and throwing out of stuff.

I wish I could stop and think. Someone who breaks into dance in Starbucks at 8:30 a.m. before she even GOT a coffee is not stopping and thinking about jack.

The barista laughingly said "what are you doing here you don't need a coffee!"

And I wanted to cry. Why not? I'm just dancing! I'm happy. But I danced instead. And dance walked to work, bouncing on my toes at stop signs. (that's a sign for me by the way, bouncing on my toes) And danced into the office and chair danced for three hours straight. Music blasting in my ears, same four songs on repeat - no surprises, no sudden movements. ANd I WORKED. I got SO much DONE in three hours. People were afraid to interrupt me because I was SO FOCUSED. SO INTENT. SO INTENSE.

Meeting a friend tonight to do a few things and she asked how much wine to bring and my response was, "as many as you can carry!"

Uh. that's not really a moderate response.

And I cried on Wednesday when I thought I was bottoming out, and I want to cry today because it's probably the exact opposite.

I want to stop and think but I do not want to stop and cry.

"..don't pull on my hand boy - you're not my man, boy - I just wanna dance boy..."

"Wherever You Go, There You Are"

If what happens now does influence what happens next, then doesn't it make sense to look around a bit from time to time so that you are more in touch with what is happening now, so that you can take your inner and outer bearings and perceive with clarity the path that you are actually on and the direction in which you are going? If you do so, maybe you will be in a better position to chart a course for yourself that is truer to your inner being--a soul path, a path with heart, your path with a capital P. If not, the sheer momentum of your unconsciousness in this moment just colors the next moment. The days, months, and years quickly go by unnoticed, unused, unappreciated ....

meditation expert Jon Kabat-Zinn

Wellness Writer: Bipolar Recovery (Part 1)

Wellness Writer: Bipolar Recovery (Part 1)

Susan has a great blog article here - and a few very important questions. I shall try to answer them. Thanks for making me think Susan!

How do you feel about the possibility of bipolar/depression recovery?
I think recovery is a strong word. I think this is something I will have to live with the rest of my life, and there are ways to deal with it. But the word recovery to me implies cure - like when you recover from a cold, the cold is gone. Not so much with this. It can be better, it can be worse, and medication, diet, exercise etc all help or hinder that, but it's there.

Do you have a wellness team in your corner?
I do. I am really lucky. My parents to an extent - they don't totally understand it, but they love me and want to have a good relationship with me. I have my doctors, both my therapist and my GP and they are a husband and wife team so I feel like my bases are covered. I have a range of friends who help in various ways, from casually asking what medications I am on, when I take them, what they do, etc. And friends who are completely understanding when I can't do stuff. And friends who take my calls and texts at 3 in the morning. And another friend who is also bi polar and boy howdy does she get it. And they all tell me they love me. And sometimes I even believe them.

Are you getting the help you need?
Yes. We're fine tuning my medication. Cognitive/behavioural therapy twice a month. This blog. Books and magazines and articles on the internet. Other blogs. I think so.

Thanks Larry!

I've never really delved into what the Serenity Prayer means - this sums it up quite nicely, while at the same time making you think about it.

ON a bipolar serenity prayer By hopeworkscommunity

A friend one time told me that the serenity prayer was the best description he knew of successful recovery from bipolar disorder. He described it a little differently than you normally hear:

1. God- Life is about more than me. There is a meaning and design to the world independent of what I think or feel. The first (and maybe biggest) trap of bipolar is to convince you that “it” is all about you and the measure of how things are is how you feel. “Life is not about what I can or cannot control, thank goodness, because so much of this is beyond my control.” There is a “higher power.” There is someone to turn to when I feel all alone and powerless and all feels loss.

2. grant me the serenity- “Grant”- that means it is a gift. It is not something I earn or create. Serenity is not something that I accomplish. It is something I accept. And again it means giving up my need to control. “If everytime I say control I could change it to manage or influence my life would be so much better.” Serenity is a focus on here and now. It is not being angry or sad about things gone wrong, or anxious about things yet to go wrong. Serenity is about taking things as they come.

3.To accept the things I cannot change- acceptance is such a major part of dealing with this. So much time is needlessly worrying about “what I got”, and not enough about “what I do with it.” Control is a focus on what I got. Management is a focus on what I do with it. A first rule of walls- “No matter how much you bang your head on them it doesn’t create a door to walk through.”

4.the courage to change the things I can- To live with bipolar means to be scared. There is a good reason some people call it a “terminal disease.” Positive steps are sometimes so small that they don’t always even seem a step. There are enough wounds and scars that you can’t help but worry sometimes about what is next. “And sometimes it so hard and so tiring and seems so impossible you just don’t want to try. Giving up seems to make such good sense.”

5.And the wisdom to know the difference- The beginning of all is to know. “Knowledge is necessity.” A big part of knowing what to do is knowing what you got. Another major part of wisdom is staying focused. Looking. Not assuming that because something feels so it doesn’t make it so. Wisdom also means realizing when you are not being so smart. The smartest thing is to be able to see our foolishness quick enough not to wreck.

It is important to realize that these things don’t just happen sequentially. It isn’t just do this first and this second and so on. Each one feeds into the other and the other feeds into it. Serenity helps give you courage, but courage increases your serenity. Wisdom helps to develop both, but each of them also increases wisdom. It is a net in effect. The serenity prayer in a real way is a safety net to keep you from drowning in the high waters of bipolar.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change
the courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Manic: A Memoir

I read a lot of (auto)biographies of people with bi polar disorder, I think I've said before that in times of crisis Christians turn to the Bible, and I turn to medical texts etc.
The problem I have with most of them is that the authors are so much more extreme than I am - if that makes sense - I have trouble identifying with them.
I jsut finished reading Manic: A Memoir by Terri Cheney. And this one has hit it on the head for me. I will go through it later and find some quotes that hit so close, that I understood so well that I couldn't believe it.
Here's a video:

and here's her website

Good job Terri. Well done.

GOT IT!!!!

Chiropractor and massage last night! Am detoxing! That's what is the matter!
YAY! Hot bath! Epsom Salts! Feel better!

Finding the Trigger

I feel all weird and wonky tonight and I didn't feel this way earlier so am trying to figure out what set me off.
I left work and walked to the streetcar stop, over to Spadina, down to Union, go get my train ticket for my visit home next weekend. I got a seat on the streetcar and was happy to be out of the rain (no jacket, no umbrella).
So we're fine. Was quick enough to think of the Spadina car so I didn't have to take the subway. (I hate the subway. I will do anything I can to stay above ground).
Crowded like rush hour in the Union concourse level. I sail through - waitressing gives you the skill of being able to seamlessly float through crowds, no matter which way they are going, you don't stop and neither does anyone else. It's lovely, choreographed without the need for rehearsal.
Train ticket price had gone up since I looked at it so needed to go back down to bank machine (I only deal in cash now - that's another post).
Back up to buy my ticket, back down to the concourse - I buy cigarettes - it's not as seamless as before - there's a guy in front of me who not only does he not know the dance, he's SLOW. And doing that fucking veering thing that drives me insane.
Do not pull your golf cart out in front of a race car please.
Okay maybe that's the thin edge of the wedge.
Not very crowded downstairs to get the streetcar, but two people are standing too close to me and they're not in the right spot. And then the guy tries to cut me off while we're getting on the streetcar. I "t-CHUH!" at him and he moves back. It's a dance - don't fuck it up.
Wedge.
Get a seat and continue to read my book. And they announce next stop Spadina - and I look up and for a minute I have NO idea where I am, did I go the wrong way, I don't even recognize the city, let alone the street. I realize where we are, recognize a landmark and try to calm myself down. I will not cry, but I am close.
Wedge.
Calm down. Move to another seat to have some space. Go to hop off at King - dude get OUT of my WAY! IF you don't know where you're going step to the side!
Stop at Fresh and Wild, big discussion with stockboy about how he clearly had the right of way when we collided in the condiments aisle. Another chatty discussion with the cashier.
It's pouring out. I fight with the dilemma - cab for $12 or streetcar for free (metropass)? I decide on cab as I am really getting wet.
LOVELY conversation with my cab driver and I am home safe. And as I unpack my purse I can feel it - and I am moving slowly, deliberately, methodically trying to hang on to something. Twice I say out loud in a sharp voice, "You are fine!"
So I don't know. What made me feel like this? Will ponder on it. But at least I'm paying attention.

On Finding Middle Ground (wikipedia)

Argument to moderation (Latin: argumentum ad temperantiam, also known as middle ground, false compromise, gray fallacy and the golden mean fallacy) is a logical fallacy which asserts that a compromise between two positions is correct. The middle ground is often invoked when there are sharply contrasting views that are deeply entrenched. While an outcome that accommodates both parties to some extent is more desirable than an outcome that pleases nobody, it is not necessarily correct.

The problem with the false compromise fallacy is that it implies that the positions being considered represent extremes of a continuum of opinions, and that such extremes are always wrong, and the middle ground always correct. This is not always the case. Sometimes only X or Y is acceptable, with no middle ground possible. Additionally, the middle ground fallacy allows any position to be invalidated, even those that have been reached by previous applications of the same method; all one must do is present yet another, radically opposed position, and the middle-ground compromise will be forced closer to that position.

Moderation is the process of eliminating or lessening extremes. It is used to ensure normality throughout the medium on which it is being conducted. Common uses of moderation include:

* Ensuring consistency and accuracy in the marking of student assessments.
* A moderator may remove unsuitable contributions from the website, forum or IRC channel they represent in accordance with their moderation system.
* A more proactive nuance is found in the Methodist church's use of the term for the heads of its conferences.
* A neutron moderator is used to slow down neutrons in a nuclear reactor.
* A way of life started at The American School In Japan by Chaiken of Biology. This lifestyle emphasizes perfect amounts of everything, not indulging in too much of one thing, hence moderation.

Moderation is also a principle of life. In ancient Greece, the temple of Apollo at Delphi bore the inscription Meden Agan - 'Nothing in excess'. Doing something "in moderation" means not doing it excessively. For instance, someone who moderates their food consumption tries to eat all food groups, but limits their intake of those that may cause deleterious effects to harmless levels. Similarly in Christianity, moderationism is the position that drinking alcoholic beverages temperately is permissible, though drunkenness is forbidden (see Christianity and alcohol). Moderation is a characteristic of the Swedish national psyche, more specifically described by the Swedish synonym lagom.

Mutant Time Travelling Mice and Me

Scientists have linked genes that control the body's circadian rhythm--also known as its 24-hour internal clock--to genes that contribute to the development of bipolar disorder. Scientists have long known that people with bipolar disorder have abnormalities in their biological rhythms, particularly their sleep patterns. By focusing on these rhythms in a recent study of mice, researchers found that animals that carried a mutation in one of the key genes of the circadian rhythm had behaviors that were surprisingly similar to people experiencing a manic episode of bipolar disorder. The investigators hope their finding could lead to new treatments for the condition.

full article here

Awesome Post From Beyond Blue

Italics mine. To Think About.

I'm not sure about the God part, but I know what she's talking about.

The time will come When with elation, you will greet yourself arriving at your own door in your own mirror, and each will smile at the other's welcome, and say, sit here. Eat. You will love again the stranger who was your self. Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart to itself, to the stranger who has loved you all your life, whom you have ignored for another, who knows you by heart. Take down the love letters from the bookshelf, the photographs, the desperate notes, peel your own image from the mirror. Sit. Feast on your life.

I'm just now walking to the door where my true self lives. I can identify the moments where I accidentally take a detour because my body speaks up: I experience a pinch in my stomach like the one I feel before speaking to a large crowd, and an accompanying nausea. Like I could pass up a plate of chocolate-cookies. I want to burst into tears but I try to hold back until I am alone.

In "The Inner Voice of Love," Henri Nouwen writes:


Giving yourself to others without expecting anything in return is only possible when you have been fully received. Every time you discover that you expect something in return for what you have given or are disappointed when nothing comes back to you, you are being made aware that you yourself are not yet fully received. Only when you know yourself as unconditionally loved--that is, fully received--by God can you give gratuitously. Giving without wanting anything in return is trusting that all your needs will be provided for by the One who loves you unconditionally. It is trusting that you do not need to protect your own security but can give yourself completely to the service of others....You cannot give yourself to others if you do not own yourself, and you can only truly own yourself when you have been fully received in unconditional love.

I fluctuate between period of security, when I know that I am loved by my husband and family, friends and pets. And then, for some reason, the security goes bye-bye, and in my neediness I start grabbing for the relationships where I know I am not fed and nurtured. I demand that a friend gives more to me than she is capable of. I hop into my emotional ambulance and try to rescue the hurting--where I convince myself that if I save my friend from her suffering, then she can give me what I need. But the irony of this rescue mission is that the more energy I expend on manipulating this relationship to cover my needs, the more vulnerable and exposed I feel. Writing this all down makes me see how ridiculous the cycle really is.

I know the difference between loving unconditionally and loving with stipulations. When I send an email with no expectations and don't hear back, I sometimes forget that I sent the email. It certainly doesn't interrupt my day. But when I press send, expecting to hear "thank you" within two days and don't hear "thank you" until day five, a hysteria ensues in that is hard to channel and control. That's because I have sent the email or made the phone call or sent the gift from a place where I am not yet received, as Nouwen would explain. He writes:

You need the other to experience inner wholeness, to have a sense of wellbeing. You have become emotionally dependent on the other and sink into depression because of his or her absence. It feels as if the other has taken away a part of you that you cannot live without. Then the pain of absence reveals a certain lack of trust in God's love. But God is enough for you.

I'm getting there, though, as my stomach ache and nausea now point me to the door of freedom, to the door of my true self, where I shall love the stranger who is I.

I Feel Good Today

Well I feel better. I got some stuff done, am trying to stay on top of things without going over the top of things. I threw things out.
I threw a lot of things out.
Sudden need for space and stuff being gone. A lot of it was past.
I kept someone I was going to throw out in too much of a hurry. Glad I stopped and thought about it.
Clean room, clean sheets, clean thoughts sweet dreams.
I hope.

10 Reasons You Don't Listen

Awesome article. Full text here, ten reasons below.

1. Truth
2. Blame
3. Need to be a Victim
4. Self-Deception
5. Defensiveness
6. Coercion Sensitivity
7. Being Demanding
8. Selfishness
9. Mistrust
10. Help Addiction

Just Five?

Five Good Reasons to Track Your Mood

Full article at link - five reasons below.

1. Triggers and warning signs.
2. Wellness strategies.
3. Planning for health.
4. Actively participate.
5. A health professional's dream.

Friday laugh

Dragon

Yep as predicted I was able to fly and I wore the right shoes to do it in and flew to catch the streetcar and the music was blasting in my ears and I was moving at the speed of light how did I miss the streetcar stupid changing lights.
there's a drunk crazy guy on the streetcar who suddenly exclaims that the OPP should take a flying fuck at a roman donut. I don't know what he means but I know where that statement came from because I have that same space in my brain. And I smile and nod and that seems to make him feel better.
And I'm at the Cameron on the porch and it's funny and loud and laughing and I am the funniest of all and I get daring and dangerous and Dougall says I'm a force to be reckoned with and honey oh yes how reckonable I am, so we go inside and listen to Corin who is playing slow and softly and I'm suddenly in tears because it is a record lonesome night and I agree with every note that comes out of his mouth and he sings another song that says you can't treat me like that just cause I'm in love with you and I have to go back outside cause he's hitting too close and too hard.
It's crowded outside and I yell at the boys to stop taking up space and make some room for other people and if you want me to stay you better buy my a drink and Jonny does and I am all smiles and giggles and flirtatious looks and here's a hug here's two here's three but don't touch me back I may cry.
We plan a boozy brunch for the Fringe girls and I am still there enough not to invite the entire bar and suddenly it's dark and when did that happen? Where did the time go? Where is the day? When did the matinee become the late show? Paula and I have a sit down convo about how the fest went and how she's doing and she shakes her head a bit when I down my meds with a swallow of beer and says 'valley of the dolls' with the smile of a friend who knows that's probably not the best way to take meds but will watch out for me just in case. I'm batting a thousand tonight and we decide like ladies to go home and we pile into a cab and I get home and suddenly the sad and the mixed up come to life as I turn on the lights and I text someone that's how I feel because I think I want to talk about it, but then again i don't I don't want a voice I want someone to sit in silence and pat my hand as I cry and cry and don't understand why and then I stare silently and blankly at the darkness for a while and think about it all everything and nothing and I close the curtains and the windows and crank up the air conditioner so there will be cold dark quiet and maybe just maybe that will soothe the dragon enough to let me sleep.

The Dragon is Waking Up

Or may be sleepwalking.

Woke me up at 4:00 in the morning - which is dragon time for me. Walked it off a bit, went and sat for a while, couldn't find my glasses a good thing as kept me from getting involved in doing stuff finally found my cigarettes and went back to sleep after an hour or so of petting the dragon.
Things are sharp and clear today and I am as smart as a whip and sharp as a tack and so many things are oh so funny, especially me and I want to get drunk and blow off some steam tired of being boring, so let's hop to it. You can't talk fast enough for me, mu hearing is faster than your talking so I have to interrupt to get you to your point it's only 9:48 how will I get through this day isn't it funny that we're going to see the theatre today for the info sessions and it's at CAMH? I will be very quiet.
I am so smart dispensing sage advice and words of wisdom punctuated by giggles so nobody thinks I take my self too seriously. I can't focus long enough to go get coffee I send someone else - I don't really need it but lets keep going!
I want to go to an art show tonight, I want to go to the Cameron tonight, I really should go see my fairygodchildren this weekend my house is a wreck and I should do that too clean it up I mean whoops just stammered out my coffee order stupid dragon making me stammer.
Am giggling even more now, and the words just keep coming and regular words aren't good enough so am making some up like "door goer outer" and it's funny and I brush it off cuz that's what I DO right I'm creative and sparky and I write the copy and that's what they love about me. I'm not giggling out loud as much I know you won't find it as funny as I do.
By the way I typed this faster than you can read it and thought it faster than I typed it so boy howdy you're moving twice as slow as I want and need you to or you just won't understand it it needs to be read with sped (read with speed?) in order to GET it and you don't you don't GET it I'm moving on.
My eyes are awfully bright and I keep bursting into giggles that I try to keep quiet cuz nobody knows just how funny things are and I have an answer for everything and I bet by the afternoon I will be able to fly.

AN Awesome Post by Someone Else

A woman named Sheri has an awesome blog here and this particular post really spoke to me. I've edited it in places - it's how I feel. Thank you Sheri. Her blog is also on my reading list to your left.

It seems to me that one of the worst things about Depression and Bipolar is not the meds or stigma of having a mental illness but rather the ever-present symptoms of the extreme lows and crushing highs. The highs made me sick with fatigue but too blind to see it so I just spiralled about, exiting the whole thing with next to no memory of it at all. Of course, other high symptoms are just as bad… like attracting AND simultaneously alienating every single person I encountered… or taking too many risks that broke me financially, made me hate my sexual being and left me close to death a few times from my wild child days. The highs were high only in the actual moment. Everything else was the big symptom called the aftermath; leaving collateral damage everywhere… from broken relationships to intense shame to the sickening realization that other than a few really creative writing pieces, I had nothing left but the sad pieces of my mania to clean up.

And I was never really good at cleaning house when it came to my mind and body. I’m getting far better at it during my therapy nowadays but that transformation is still only 6 months into its process and I’m not foolish enough to think that when my Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is done that I will be a completely new person. I know I have to implement the lessons I’ve learned and keep them active for… well… ever. One of the parts of the program is called, Managing your Symptoms and it is a great one. It deals with everything from fatigue and sleep deprivation to physical pain, to poor nutrition, weight problems and the list goes on. The one I was particularly interested in was about managing pain. And wow, do I have physical pain sometimes like you’d never imagine… don’t we all?

I think it’s those symptoms that get us every time. We hope and pray we’re not depressed and that the headaches are because of anything else other than depression (especially if we have been stable for a good chunk of time). We convince ourselves that the aches and pains and stress we feel in our hearts is simply because life is complicated right now… or that the new chair at work doesn’t help much well then it would go away… at least for a while, just long enough for me to keep hiding from the truth. The pain will most likely always be there… but like any other symptom, of depression or any other disease, it can often be managed. Figuring out how is the tricky part. Asking for help doing so is excruciating. I

I think I fought admitting depression for so long because I am so skilled at doing it and because I knew that the second I stopped hiding from it was the moment I had to sink or swim. I was never a good swimmer but compared to drowning, I choose the harder battle.