Surfacing

Okay. I at least know which way is up now. That was a bad week. That was a week of foolish choices, too much of many things and not enough of lots of things. I needed to send myself to bottom, to crash the metaphoric car. It worked and now I can come back up from bottom.

I know which way is up. I can focus long enough to write this. My medication is taken on time. My ex has gone back home and we have said our goodbyes - this time forever. My house is clean, the laundry is done there is healthy food to eat. My home is calm. I try to be calm too.
A week of triggers, feeling like a duck in a shooting gallery - every time a trigger hit me I'd spin around to the next one, going faster and faster and faster and the dread, the feeling of dread and the only thing to do would be to drink it away, yes let's go out, let's stay out late, it's two in the morning who cares come over I've missed you so much and back up again and out we go, and drink and dance and laugh and ignore my shaking hands and inability to focus, knowing it's there but refusing to do anything about it. I'll think about that tomorrow, tomorrow is another day.
Panicky. Everything is tooclose like that, cars are tooclose, the road is tooclose, I can't stand to have my iPod in my ears, the breeze on my skin is irritating me, people keep calling and I want to scream LEAVE ME ALONE. I can't even get it together to call them back to say leave me alone, it's an exhausting thought, dialogue. I can put it out I can't take it in there's too much in me to take in right now.
I am sleeping every chance I get and I wonder if I'm tired or my body and soul is knocking me out to keep me out of trouble. It's not useful sleep, it's not quality, full of strange dreams, overbright, loud, always themes of competition, trying to win, being good enough.
Out of focus now. I have to stop. I'll write more later but at least I am surfacing...