Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Why I Don't Have Time to Be Flat

I mentioned earlier the specialist I saw said I would "just have to deal with" being flat for a while while my meds adjusted. And I said I didn't have time to be flat.
Today I am sourcing bicycling nudists, synchronized swimmers and a remote controlled airplane pilot. For my job.
Like I said, I don't have time to be flat.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Boring but Necessary

I got to spend some times this weekend thinking about things. And although I don't agree with "the specialist's" recommendations, I thought, "well what am I going to do about that?"
So I spent the weekend cooking healthy breakfasts and lunches so they are there and ready for the next two weeks. And I forced myself to go to bed properly at a decent hour, not fall asleep on the couch and stagger to bed at 2 a.m.
And I forced myself out of bed this morning at 6:30 so I could begin yoga again. I stopped for a while and I can feel it - both in my spirit and in my jeans! And I picked up some of those Vitamin b/c tablets that make a fizzy orange drink and used it to carefully take my meds and multivitamins.
There will be no alcohol. There will be a minimum of late nights. There will be time made for me and taking care of me. It's too busy and crazy at work to not do so. So my posts for a while (not that I have huge website traffic) will be about carrefully taking care of myself.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

rude awakenings and straightening out

September is over. thank god.
I have not been well. this cold is really shaking me down. Manic blackout last week.
I had to go to see the pharmapsychologist last week. His office is at CAMH. I have no idea how people get better there. From what I saw it is a beige institution. There is no visible hope, beauty, creativity anywhere that I saw - anywhere. I picked up on all the emotions there - too many negatives, too many unwell people. I was in tears by the time my appointment started, coupled with a cold and reaction to cold meds and missed meds - I was a wreck.
I did not like his assessment. Ok - I wasn't a fan of him - his boundaries are thick and impenetrable - which of course they'd have to be working there. But that upset me. I also don't like the fact that based on a chart and a half hour of me being a mess (see above) he's recommending all sorts of med changes. He wants to take away my anti depressants. He said until my medication levels out, I'm going to have to "deal with" feeling flat. He knows nothing about me. I can't feel flat, my life does not allow for "flatness". What is he trying to turn me into?
I want to talk to my doctor.
I will do some things. I took the afternoon off on Friday and got my house in order. I spent all day yesterday making weeks worth of healthy meals. I will take my meds as prescribed by MY doctor. I will not miss doses. I will not drink. I will do my best to spend this month taking extreme care of myself.
I will not go back there.
I've been following Susan's blog lately, good stuff on staving off a depression. I did some of the things she's doing, cut back on some activities, said "can I get back to you?" on others. I may want to do everything, but right now I can't.
So thanks Susan - that helped.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Waiting for Wednesday

I really need September to end. It's always a bad month for me - too many birthdays, anniversaries, memories of funerals, of deaths, too much going on.
I am a mess. And I know it. Missed three days worth of meds last week because I was overextended and it shows. When I miss my meds I self medicate to excess, you couldn't give me enough wine last night. Picking up on too many wavelengths, too much emotion around me and trying to drown it, and wound up at home weeping hysterically. Cannot explain how much I love everyone right now, picking up on sadness they might not even know they are showing, and expressing it myself.
September - please end. Dragon, you've been awake and breathing fire for days now. Go back to sleep.

Saturday, September 19, 2009


haven't posted in a while - have been insanely busy this past week with lots going on at work, and lots going on after work - as a result I haven't been taking care of myself and as a result, it's not allergies, it's a cold.
And again, it's funny - when I don't take care of myself and the dragon rears its ugly head, I mostly try to ignore him. When I don't take care of myself and get a cold, it's game over for everything. Weird...well, not weird, "I have a cold" is an excuse or reason everyone can understand and relate to, so it's easier.
Work has been going medium to well. It's getting really hectic and I have to concentrate a bit harder, but that's okay.
I gave a workshop last week to a highschool for the arts on marketing and fundraising and it was wildly well received so I'm happy about that, plus I've been asked to return twice more to do Career Day and a PR and Marketing unit. I'm excited about that and pleased - I was really worried the night before that it wasn't a good enough presentation and clearly it was.
I started my civics class this week - it's amazing and I'm looking forward to learning more about my city.
Work is insanely busy - the conference is in just over a month and as social media expert my marketing initiatives move with great speed. Am remaining calm.
I got an appointment with the pharmapsychologist my therapist has recommended me to - I was surprised as the waiting list is about two months long and I am in in two weeks. Being me I can't just be happy I got in quickly - I have to wonder just how bad off I am that I got in so quickly. : )
Still it might be a relief to figure out a better dosage for my illness - as my therapist pointed out and as I know all to well I am extremely sensitive to mood meds, and we can't just keep jacking the ones I am on up and down. We've readjusted my anti depressants as I was bottoming out and could only explain while crying "something's not right". I had a couple manic days as they kicked in but I seem to have settled down somewhat.
Today? I will concentrate on my cold. Off to eat a bowl of strawberries! Then I will clean the house as I have guests coming over for a movie night tomorrow.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009