rude awakenings and straightening out

September is over. thank god.
I have not been well. this cold is really shaking me down. Manic blackout last week.
I had to go to see the pharmapsychologist last week. His office is at CAMH. I have no idea how people get better there. From what I saw it is a beige institution. There is no visible hope, beauty, creativity anywhere that I saw - anywhere. I picked up on all the emotions there - too many negatives, too many unwell people. I was in tears by the time my appointment started, coupled with a cold and reaction to cold meds and missed meds - I was a wreck.
I did not like his assessment. Ok - I wasn't a fan of him - his boundaries are thick and impenetrable - which of course they'd have to be working there. But that upset me. I also don't like the fact that based on a chart and a half hour of me being a mess (see above) he's recommending all sorts of med changes. He wants to take away my anti depressants. He said until my medication levels out, I'm going to have to "deal with" feeling flat. He knows nothing about me. I can't feel flat, my life does not allow for "flatness". What is he trying to turn me into?
I want to talk to my doctor.
HOWEVER
I will do some things. I took the afternoon off on Friday and got my house in order. I spent all day yesterday making weeks worth of healthy meals. I will take my meds as prescribed by MY doctor. I will not miss doses. I will not drink. I will do my best to spend this month taking extreme care of myself.
I will not go back there.
I've been following Susan's blog lately, good stuff on staving off a depression. I did some of the things she's doing, cut back on some activities, said "can I get back to you?" on others. I may want to do everything, but right now I can't.
So thanks Susan - that helped.