A Few Things in My Mind

Someone else wrote this. I agree.
Until we acknowledge that we each have the power to determine our own reality and create our own experiences, we will continue to be a puppet having our strings pulled by situations, events, circumstances and other people. We will continue to be the Reactor and not the Creator. Step one on the path to enlightenment, consciousness and lasting change (from the inside out) is to acknowledge that we can control our own destiny, we can each create our own reality, our world is not “the” world and our history will only become our future if we allow that to happen. Step two (in the Harper book of life-philosophy) is to understand that good or bad, hard or easy, happiness or misery are all choices – and to then live accordingly. And remember; by not making a decision, you are making a decision. Be mindful that the decisions you don’t make will have just as much impact on your personal reality as the decisions you do make. One way or the other. So don’t delude yourself. If you have the ability to think, reason and choose, then you have the ability to change your personal reality for the better. If you consistently choose to not take action, to not use your potential and to not take back the power you’ve given away, then you vicariously choose mediocrity and misery and have nobody to blame but yourself. Subscribing to the “things will work themselves out” philosophy is ignorant, naive, apathetic and shows a distinct lack of courage. You are the author of your life. Start writing.

In my own news - a word of advice? NEVER change your online passwords when you are manic. They're hard to remember the next day.

I spent the weekend in my pajamas. In bed or on the couch. Watching reruns and going outside for a cigarette. Occasionally. I dusted the ceiling fan because it was driving me crazy.

I went out Saturday evening for three hours. And spent the entire time very worried that my friend wasn't having a good time, that I'd chosen a bad or boring activity, that there weren't enough people there, that she wasn't having any fun.

I am trying to remember what it felt like when I wasn't medicated. When I wasn't always self analyzing and judging and wondering - when I just lived and faced whatever the consequences were. When I was ME and everything was ME, not an illness.

Except the consequences were injuries and hangovers and weight gain and loss and strange men and stranger expectations and inconsolable tears and fights and arguments and inappropriate behaviour and flying so fast I broke things including myself. And I am trying to remember those things were WORSE.

I think we'll be re-jigging my meds tomorrow. This sad flat sad can't go on. I am ridiculously sensitive to medication - I always have been - it's just frustrating.