AN Awesome Post by Someone Else

A woman named Sheri has an awesome blog here and this particular post really spoke to me. I've edited it in places - it's how I feel. Thank you Sheri. Her blog is also on my reading list to your left.

It seems to me that one of the worst things about Depression and Bipolar is not the meds or stigma of having a mental illness but rather the ever-present symptoms of the extreme lows and crushing highs. The highs made me sick with fatigue but too blind to see it so I just spiralled about, exiting the whole thing with next to no memory of it at all. Of course, other high symptoms are just as bad… like attracting AND simultaneously alienating every single person I encountered… or taking too many risks that broke me financially, made me hate my sexual being and left me close to death a few times from my wild child days. The highs were high only in the actual moment. Everything else was the big symptom called the aftermath; leaving collateral damage everywhere… from broken relationships to intense shame to the sickening realization that other than a few really creative writing pieces, I had nothing left but the sad pieces of my mania to clean up.

And I was never really good at cleaning house when it came to my mind and body. I’m getting far better at it during my therapy nowadays but that transformation is still only 6 months into its process and I’m not foolish enough to think that when my Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is done that I will be a completely new person. I know I have to implement the lessons I’ve learned and keep them active for… well… ever. One of the parts of the program is called, Managing your Symptoms and it is a great one. It deals with everything from fatigue and sleep deprivation to physical pain, to poor nutrition, weight problems and the list goes on. The one I was particularly interested in was about managing pain. And wow, do I have physical pain sometimes like you’d never imagine… don’t we all?

I think it’s those symptoms that get us every time. We hope and pray we’re not depressed and that the headaches are because of anything else other than depression (especially if we have been stable for a good chunk of time). We convince ourselves that the aches and pains and stress we feel in our hearts is simply because life is complicated right now… or that the new chair at work doesn’t help much well then it would go away… at least for a while, just long enough for me to keep hiding from the truth. The pain will most likely always be there… but like any other symptom, of depression or any other disease, it can often be managed. Figuring out how is the tricky part. Asking for help doing so is excruciating. I

I think I fought admitting depression for so long because I am so skilled at doing it and because I knew that the second I stopped hiding from it was the moment I had to sink or swim. I was never a good swimmer but compared to drowning, I choose the harder battle.