I really need September to end. It's always a bad month for me - too many birthdays, anniversaries, memories of funerals, of deaths, too much going on.
I am a mess. And I know it. Missed three days worth of meds last week because I was overextended and it shows. When I miss my meds I self medicate to excess, you couldn't give me enough wine last night. Picking up on too many wavelengths, too much emotion around me and trying to drown it, and wound up at home weeping hysterically. Cannot explain how much I love everyone right now, picking up on sadness they might not even know they are showing, and expressing it myself.
September - please end. Dragon, you've been awake and breathing fire for days now. Go back to sleep.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Saturday, September 19, 2009
[sic]
haven't posted in a while - have been insanely busy this past week with lots going on at work, and lots going on after work - as a result I haven't been taking care of myself and as a result, it's not allergies, it's a cold.
And again, it's funny - when I don't take care of myself and the dragon rears its ugly head, I mostly try to ignore him. When I don't take care of myself and get a cold, it's game over for everything. Weird...well, not weird, "I have a cold" is an excuse or reason everyone can understand and relate to, so it's easier.
Work has been going medium to well. It's getting really hectic and I have to concentrate a bit harder, but that's okay.
I gave a workshop last week to a highschool for the arts on marketing and fundraising and it was wildly well received so I'm happy about that, plus I've been asked to return twice more to do Career Day and a PR and Marketing unit. I'm excited about that and pleased - I was really worried the night before that it wasn't a good enough presentation and clearly it was.
I started my civics class this week - it's amazing and I'm looking forward to learning more about my city.
Work is insanely busy - the conference is in just over a month and as social media expert my marketing initiatives move with great speed. Am remaining calm.
I got an appointment with the pharmapsychologist my therapist has recommended me to - I was surprised as the waiting list is about two months long and I am in in two weeks. Being me I can't just be happy I got in quickly - I have to wonder just how bad off I am that I got in so quickly. : )
Still it might be a relief to figure out a better dosage for my illness - as my therapist pointed out and as I know all to well I am extremely sensitive to mood meds, and we can't just keep jacking the ones I am on up and down. We've readjusted my anti depressants as I was bottoming out and could only explain while crying "something's not right". I had a couple manic days as they kicked in but I seem to have settled down somewhat.
Today? I will concentrate on my cold. Off to eat a bowl of strawberries! Then I will clean the house as I have guests coming over for a movie night tomorrow.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Monday, September 7, 2009
Good and Bad
well the work we did at the retreat was good and valid. And I've been recuperating ever since from two days in the woods.
Nature for me is my container balcony on my garden. I have no sense of direction, and so spent the entire two days - you know that feeling you have trying to get your bearings? I never got them. I was worried about tripping and falling as the terrain was rocks, moss, exposed tree roots - over hill and dale the entire time. The food was the exact type of children's' camp food that triggers me - all simple carbs/pastas. The water tasted disgusting, we were four to a room - in short - everything that triggers me was wholly present. I was nervous and scared and unsure the entire time.
I survived. Moving forward.
Long weekends trigger me and it is one.
My birthday is in less than a week.
There is a friend I am desperately trying to set boundaries with and she is not accepting them.
Rough week.
I am more concerned about how to deal with this friend. She is not a sympathetic person, in that she truly does not understand mental illness. I feel like she wants me to be "the old me" - she only ever saw manic me. We've established she is a remarkably self centred person. Example - my doctor has me on a "no house guests" policy - house guests - specifically her - trigger me. She says she hopes that changes, and I know the only reason she hopes it changes is so that she has a place to stay when she feels like coming to the city. Not because it will indicate I am doing well, or getting better - rather so that she is not inconvenienced.
How do you maintain boundaries with someone who will not accept them? Who doesn't seem to accept that this is who you are now, and things have to change so you can continue to get well? And I feel most strongly, who doesn't seem to register that this illness? Is about me. It is about me getting better. That is what I care about right now, and can only afford to surround myself with people who understand that.
Nature for me is my container balcony on my garden. I have no sense of direction, and so spent the entire two days - you know that feeling you have trying to get your bearings? I never got them. I was worried about tripping and falling as the terrain was rocks, moss, exposed tree roots - over hill and dale the entire time. The food was the exact type of children's' camp food that triggers me - all simple carbs/pastas. The water tasted disgusting, we were four to a room - in short - everything that triggers me was wholly present. I was nervous and scared and unsure the entire time.
I survived. Moving forward.
Long weekends trigger me and it is one.
My birthday is in less than a week.
There is a friend I am desperately trying to set boundaries with and she is not accepting them.
Rough week.
I am more concerned about how to deal with this friend. She is not a sympathetic person, in that she truly does not understand mental illness. I feel like she wants me to be "the old me" - she only ever saw manic me. We've established she is a remarkably self centred person. Example - my doctor has me on a "no house guests" policy - house guests - specifically her - trigger me. She says she hopes that changes, and I know the only reason she hopes it changes is so that she has a place to stay when she feels like coming to the city. Not because it will indicate I am doing well, or getting better - rather so that she is not inconvenienced.
How do you maintain boundaries with someone who will not accept them? Who doesn't seem to accept that this is who you are now, and things have to change so you can continue to get well? And I feel most strongly, who doesn't seem to register that this illness? Is about me. It is about me getting better. That is what I care about right now, and can only afford to surround myself with people who understand that.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
