Good and Bad

well the work we did at the retreat was good and valid. And I've been recuperating ever since from two days in the woods.
Nature for me is my container balcony on my garden. I have no sense of direction, and so spent the entire two days - you know that feeling you have trying to get your bearings? I never got them. I was worried about tripping and falling as the terrain was rocks, moss, exposed tree roots - over hill and dale the entire time. The food was the exact type of children's' camp food that triggers me - all simple carbs/pastas. The water tasted disgusting, we were four to a room - in short - everything that triggers me was wholly present. I was nervous and scared and unsure the entire time.
I survived. Moving forward.
Long weekends trigger me and it is one.
My birthday is in less than a week.
There is a friend I am desperately trying to set boundaries with and she is not accepting them.
Rough week.
I am more concerned about how to deal with this friend. She is not a sympathetic person, in that she truly does not understand mental illness. I feel like she wants me to be "the old me" - she only ever saw manic me. We've established she is a remarkably self centred person. Example - my doctor has me on a "no house guests" policy - house guests - specifically her - trigger me. She says she hopes that changes, and I know the only reason she hopes it changes is so that she has a place to stay when she feels like coming to the city. Not because it will indicate I am doing well, or getting better - rather so that she is not inconvenienced.
How do you maintain boundaries with someone who will not accept them? Who doesn't seem to accept that this is who you are now, and things have to change so you can continue to get well? And I feel most strongly, who doesn't seem to register that this illness? Is about me. It is about me getting better. That is what I care about right now, and can only afford to surround myself with people who understand that.

this week

i am spending today and tomorrow taking extreme care of myself in order to prepare for a group retreat on wed and thurs.
good lord.
at which point I remembered I had to go to the pharmacy! Good thing for this blog - would have completely forgotten.
I am eating super clean right now - brown rice, lots of fruits and vegetables, tons of water. Trying to sort out my system. I figure a couple days is better than nothing, can do clean breakfast Wednesday morning and clean dinner Thursday night and do my best in betwee,
Not really interested in the retreat - well, it's a staff retreat and the main thing I dislike about staff retreats is the completely lack of alone time and down time. I will get through it - it's like, 36 hours. And I can hide all I want when I get back Thursday night.
Have I mentioned it's my birthday in two weeks?
I know full well that has a lot to do with how I've been feeling and acting. I always get weird around my birthday - tend to fixate on what I feel I "haven't" accomplished, versus the many great and incredible things I "have" accomplished.
I'll work on it.

Someone Else's Words Part Two

wow. bit of a rough night. Moving forward.

Anyway, where was I? Right - the idea that it seems that it will take so long to recover/recuperate that sometimes I can't be bothered to and just keep going until I crash. Forced recuperation if you will.

Which is stupid, I know, don't get me wrong.

But the thing I struggle with is the acceptance part. The "I just can't" part. I've never been good at that. I have been accustomed all my life, to quote my mother, "to doing whatever the hell I want". And being a stubborn person, words I dislike are "should" and "can't", as in "you should take a break" "you can't go as hard as you do". My back immediately goes up and I think, "oh yes I can, oh yes I will you cannot make me you cannot stop me you are not the boss of me."

Cutting off my nose to spite my face, if you will. It's quite childish.

I must work more on acceptance. I have gotten a bit better in that the past few months I have been actively rejecting activities - it's just that some weeks sneak up on me is all.
My shrink says part of it is that I have to actually stop and think about something instead of just blithely assuming I will/I can make it work/go to it/do it. And that is hard for me. I've always been a busy person, having to stop and consider the reasons and sources of that busyness is sometimes challenging, to put it politely.
I will work on it. Mindfulness.

Someone Else's Words

out of her blog and into mine.

The Daily Living Manic Depressive Blog is another I've stumbled across and I am pretty sure it's a thank you owed to Susan. It's on the right hand side.

This particular blog post made me happy - well happy is an odd word - more a sigh of relief - well it would be a sigh of relief if I wasn't manic - it was more of a shriek of "testify!" It was the schedule of effects that struck me:
Went clubbing on the night of the 2 July.
Was manic on the 3 July.
Got somewhat depressed on the 4 July.
Fought to not get too depressed on the 5 July – mixed results.
Eventually restabilised today the 6 July.
All from one night of clubbing.

I TOTALLY GET THAT.

I have been all mixed up for about two weeks now, veering from high to low and back and forth sometimes within days, sometimes within hours. Too much sleep, not enough sleep. Too much food, not enough food. Too much booze, too many late night there's always something or somewhere I want to be see go to do. And that is part of the problem.
I work in the performing arts and am what is called a "city enthusiast". Consequently I could be out seven nights a week without thinking about it. From the 22nd to the 29th my schedule could look like this. We'll assume in an eight hour work day for Monday to Friday. Then we'll add in:
22 - afternoon barbeque and drinks in the evening
23 - MadMen dinner party
24 - library, dinner with friends
25 - book launch
26 - groceries, library, housecleaning, laundry. Finish writing applications.
27 - friend's band playing
28 - spa night with friends
29 - begin next round of applications. Friend's band playing.

How do you recover from a week like that?

i am like this. My friends are like this. It is a known fact that I "sneak out" of events - I will just pick up my coat and quietly leave, or else be roped into staying longer, later. Why do I do this?
Back to the blog post.

while everybody else would recover in one day, it can take me four days.

Sometimes it seems to daunting to even begin to recover and so I just keep going....
more later. Staff meeting and I'm losing focus.

six hours later.

you know what? I'm manic. 3/4 there. I am home, I am safe, but I need to go do a few things to get myself back on track. I will finish this article later, I can barely focus enough to type. Sorry.

Speaking of Which

Part of a post from Craig Harper


Isn’t it amazing how when our internal reality changes, the unlikely becomes likely, the impossible becomes very possible and the hard becomes incredibly easy. There is no universal hard or easy. There are simply events, circumstances, challenges and situations that we individually assign certain significance, power, influence and control in our world. Things only have the meaning we give them and the impact we allow them to have. We are the creators of hard. Yep, we construct it, refine it, shape it, re-enforce it and then we inhabit it. For some people everything is hard. No matter how good life is. Hard is built, maintained and empowered by them. I’ve seen some people deal with cancer more easily and with less drama than other people deal with a sprained ankle or a common cold. Why? Because certain people create easy while others create hard, that’s why.

Drifting

really good post a while back on Beyond Blue about drifting... one warning sign for Gretchen is also one for me - Getting the urge to do or have something because the people around you are doing it or want it.
I tend to do that/want that when I am feeling unsatisfied (or manic for that matter) - it's an "I want to help!" mentality I have.
Interesting.

See below for photo explanation.

Am adding a new blog to the" stuff to read" column

Sarah Fain has Starfish Envy

two reasons to begin with

1) the idea of Starfish envy intrigues me; and
2) her subtitle is "I'm thirty-seven. I'm successful. I'm single. Now what?"

mee too.

I am feeling a lot better. Good conversation with my doctor about how I have been feeling the past few weeks. When we went through the list of what I'd been through last week - too much activity, old loves resurfacing, working crazy hours, he said he wasn't surprised in the least, that I'd been triggered by a big old emotional upheaval. Sleeping too much? What better way to avoid thinking? Walking too much? Same thing. Basically everything I overdid was a way of avoiding the emotions, fears and feelings that a few people and situations had brought out in me last week. Coupled with the ridiculous weather fluctuations (see top and bottom) which, like medication, I am wildly sensitive to - well last week was very easily explained.
I feel like I am on the mend. Deep breaths. I feel the ability to make a list rather than panicking about not making a list, which is a good sign for me.
These photos were taken last night about 5 miles from my house - total before and afters.
Yes I identify with them quite deeply. How could anyone NOT have a mood swing with that kind of weather in your face?
Hope you are all well.