How do you get from this life to the one you really want?

Found this at Beyond Blue.

I also realize my past few posts have mostly been posts I found elsewhere - I'm a bit mixed up right now, and can't quite get the words organized. Busy busy BUSY at work, ClusterF***s and SH**storms abounding and I am just doing my best to tread water and keep cool under pressure and not collapse.
And I did it BTW - my boss today congratulated me on my keeping my cool all day yesterday - a "could anything ELSE POSSIBLY go wrong??" day.
Boy did I take an extended dance break last night...
Anyway, I tend to stockpile things when I feel this way, stroing hoarding and I guess in this blog it's storing and hoarding other people's wisdom.
Cough.
Anyway - read below!

How do you get from this life to the one you really want?

1. First, Look Back

We all get stuck in our lives. The lucky ones, once; the rest of us, quite often. In order to live the life you dream, you need to figure out what got you stuck in the first place. What is it you need to move forward from? When was it you first thought, "My life was supposed to be different?" You need to look back in order to move forward.

2. End the Excuses

If you want to move forward, you've also got to end the excuses. No more "I shoulds," "If onlys," or "Well, everyone expects me to..." Excuses are a language to mask our fears. It's time to turn those fears into faith. Figure out what it is that YOU really want. Promise yourself that, today, there will be no excuses.

3. Understand the "Now"

To discover the life you want, you need to be living in the present. When couples get married I remind them to be present--put resentments, anger, blame behind them for a moment, take a deep breath, and just be here now. To move ahead, we have to fully understand our current state. Count to three and realize that this moment is sacred.

4. Celebrate Your Divine Gifts

It's so important to realize that you are a person endowed with many gifts. Recognize these tremendous qualities and celebrate them. In the Torah, God describes himself as having 13 divine attributes. You have at least that many too! Celebrate those attributes by identifying 13--yes, 13--amazing qualities that make you, you. You have to appreciate your gifts before you can use them to discover the life you want.

5. Personalize Your Creator

So who is this creator anyhow? Your creator is your partner, your mother, your best self, and your best friend. Your creator is always by your side, through the good and the bad. Use your own language to talk to this creator--talk, laugh, cry, scream, sing. You'll discover that you are never alone on this journey, and knowing this is vital in getting wherever you want to go.

6. Your "Spark" Matters

Each one of us has a special spark. Your goal is to turn this spark into a flame and give your own light to the world. You might think of the moments that have brought you peace and meaning--what thread ran through them? You might ask a friend or look to the people who inspire you. Above all, remember, your spark matters and is helping to light our world. It can just as easily light your way in discovering the path you desire.

7. Move Forward and Up

I hate the term "settle down." Why settle? Why go down? It's time to realize that the true mark of living the life you dream is to "engage up." It is to take a chance and break the routine. Even a small step is a huge leap of courage. You are a courageous person! You are!

8. Enjoy the Ride

It is easy to judge your path when the results are obvious. Are you happy? Are you successful? But when you are on the path to living the life you want, what really matters is not the immediate outcome, but the meaning that it brings to your life. You know there is meaning when the process starts to matter more than the end results. It's then that you exude the divine beauty that shines from within.

9. Keep Asking Questions

Living a life of meaning means that you have to keep living--keep "engaging up," keep sparkling. You can only do this if you keep questioning. Doubts and questions are what make your path in life so dynamic. If you are afraid to ask and reassess, what feels fresh today may feel stale tomorrow.

10. Repairing Yourself Can Change the World

So, why should you try to live the life you dream when it is easier just to live the life you already have? Because you matter and your life will be an inspiration to those around you--your children, your friends, their children, and their grandchildren.

In Judaism, we have the task of tikkun olam, repairing the world. However, the first step in repairing the world is to repair yourself. It's true for every one of us, regardless of time, place and situation--once you begin, you too will change the world and discover the life you want.

The Twelve Steps to Mental Health

I found The Twelve Steps to Mental Health (below) at http://www.changes.org.uk:

1. Admit you've got a problem
2. Take action
3. Trust and cooperate
4. Get the power
5. Use and develop personal resources
6. Begin personal evaluation
7. Cultivate healthy thinking
8. Cultivate healthy behavior
9. Realize that feelings are not facts
10. Get on with your life
11. Give it time
12. Pass it on

that's enough Rain I Think

It's been raining non-stop all week. I don't mind the cooler weather but the pressure system is killing me.
I burst into tears yesterday - complete build up over the past few days and it finally all came out. I feel - better?
A nice thing - an older couple on the bus were reading an article I'd written for a local magazine. When I told them I'd written it they were very impressed, and read my bio from the masthead out loud. "The gal who wrote this is sitting right next to us! Imagine that!"
The man sounded like my grandpa who has been gone for six years. I missed him a lot in that moment. He would have said the same thing, and been just as proud.
Then I burst into weeping at the doctor's office - because my blood pressure is slightly elevated. And the funny thing was what i was incoherently sobbing was that I knew it was ridiculous to be crying over this, that it wasn't a big deal etc etc but for some reason that is what put me over the edge.
I have a guardian angel cat. Well, he's the neighbour's cat (I think) he is all black with green eyes. He looks like someone called central casting and requested a witch's cat.
I hate cats.
For some reason this one has 'adopted" me - it seems that the days I am down or edgy or whatever - the days I am not right - he is on my doorstep, waiting for me to get home, and tries to come in with me. And I explain that he does not live here, and to go away and he does. And I have named him Winky (in the hopes of shaming him into going away...). But he kind of makes me smile.
Last night was a strange night after that whole day, long time on the phone with a friend etc. so I went out to the balcony for a cigarette. Forgot my lighter inside and went back to get it. When I sat down again I noticed the spare room curtains were moving. Winky had gone inside while I had, and headed into the spare room where I found him stretched out on the windowsill. And I explained again (after saying hello) that he could not stay there as he did not live there. And so he jumped down, strolled back through my room and headed out to the balcony.

What a weird cat. He must be weird, because he's the first cat I've ever liked.

how I am feeling today

I think this picture sums it up for me, but if it doesn't sum it up for you I will try to describe it. A bit lost. My hair would get tangled easily. There's kind of a path but not. There's not much space - things are close and scratchy. There's a lot of dead looking wood - but some green, too. The red is alive. it's dogwood - it just hasn't flowered yet.There's light in the distance and what looks like space and air to breathe. I must go through this to get to there.
This is a real picture I took. I have been there. here.

A Few Things in My Mind

Someone else wrote this. I agree.
Until we acknowledge that we each have the power to determine our own reality and create our own experiences, we will continue to be a puppet having our strings pulled by situations, events, circumstances and other people. We will continue to be the Reactor and not the Creator. Step one on the path to enlightenment, consciousness and lasting change (from the inside out) is to acknowledge that we can control our own destiny, we can each create our own reality, our world is not “the” world and our history will only become our future if we allow that to happen. Step two (in the Harper book of life-philosophy) is to understand that good or bad, hard or easy, happiness or misery are all choices – and to then live accordingly. And remember; by not making a decision, you are making a decision. Be mindful that the decisions you don’t make will have just as much impact on your personal reality as the decisions you do make. One way or the other. So don’t delude yourself. If you have the ability to think, reason and choose, then you have the ability to change your personal reality for the better. If you consistently choose to not take action, to not use your potential and to not take back the power you’ve given away, then you vicariously choose mediocrity and misery and have nobody to blame but yourself. Subscribing to the “things will work themselves out” philosophy is ignorant, naive, apathetic and shows a distinct lack of courage. You are the author of your life. Start writing.

In my own news - a word of advice? NEVER change your online passwords when you are manic. They're hard to remember the next day.

I spent the weekend in my pajamas. In bed or on the couch. Watching reruns and going outside for a cigarette. Occasionally. I dusted the ceiling fan because it was driving me crazy.

I went out Saturday evening for three hours. And spent the entire time very worried that my friend wasn't having a good time, that I'd chosen a bad or boring activity, that there weren't enough people there, that she wasn't having any fun.

I am trying to remember what it felt like when I wasn't medicated. When I wasn't always self analyzing and judging and wondering - when I just lived and faced whatever the consequences were. When I was ME and everything was ME, not an illness.

Except the consequences were injuries and hangovers and weight gain and loss and strange men and stranger expectations and inconsolable tears and fights and arguments and inappropriate behaviour and flying so fast I broke things including myself. And I am trying to remember those things were WORSE.

I think we'll be re-jigging my meds tomorrow. This sad flat sad can't go on. I am ridiculously sensitive to medication - I always have been - it's just frustrating.

"don't pull on my hand, boy..."

Two shows tonight and an apartment viewing and a band and two shows tomorrow night, which follow a massive housecleaning and throwing out of stuff.

I wish I could stop and think. Someone who breaks into dance in Starbucks at 8:30 a.m. before she even GOT a coffee is not stopping and thinking about jack.

The barista laughingly said "what are you doing here you don't need a coffee!"

And I wanted to cry. Why not? I'm just dancing! I'm happy. But I danced instead. And dance walked to work, bouncing on my toes at stop signs. (that's a sign for me by the way, bouncing on my toes) And danced into the office and chair danced for three hours straight. Music blasting in my ears, same four songs on repeat - no surprises, no sudden movements. ANd I WORKED. I got SO much DONE in three hours. People were afraid to interrupt me because I was SO FOCUSED. SO INTENT. SO INTENSE.

Meeting a friend tonight to do a few things and she asked how much wine to bring and my response was, "as many as you can carry!"

Uh. that's not really a moderate response.

And I cried on Wednesday when I thought I was bottoming out, and I want to cry today because it's probably the exact opposite.

I want to stop and think but I do not want to stop and cry.

"..don't pull on my hand boy - you're not my man, boy - I just wanna dance boy..."

"Wherever You Go, There You Are"

If what happens now does influence what happens next, then doesn't it make sense to look around a bit from time to time so that you are more in touch with what is happening now, so that you can take your inner and outer bearings and perceive with clarity the path that you are actually on and the direction in which you are going? If you do so, maybe you will be in a better position to chart a course for yourself that is truer to your inner being--a soul path, a path with heart, your path with a capital P. If not, the sheer momentum of your unconsciousness in this moment just colors the next moment. The days, months, and years quickly go by unnoticed, unused, unappreciated ....

meditation expert Jon Kabat-Zinn

Wellness Writer: Bipolar Recovery (Part 1)

Wellness Writer: Bipolar Recovery (Part 1)

Susan has a great blog article here - and a few very important questions. I shall try to answer them. Thanks for making me think Susan!

How do you feel about the possibility of bipolar/depression recovery?
I think recovery is a strong word. I think this is something I will have to live with the rest of my life, and there are ways to deal with it. But the word recovery to me implies cure - like when you recover from a cold, the cold is gone. Not so much with this. It can be better, it can be worse, and medication, diet, exercise etc all help or hinder that, but it's there.

Do you have a wellness team in your corner?
I do. I am really lucky. My parents to an extent - they don't totally understand it, but they love me and want to have a good relationship with me. I have my doctors, both my therapist and my GP and they are a husband and wife team so I feel like my bases are covered. I have a range of friends who help in various ways, from casually asking what medications I am on, when I take them, what they do, etc. And friends who are completely understanding when I can't do stuff. And friends who take my calls and texts at 3 in the morning. And another friend who is also bi polar and boy howdy does she get it. And they all tell me they love me. And sometimes I even believe them.

Are you getting the help you need?
Yes. We're fine tuning my medication. Cognitive/behavioural therapy twice a month. This blog. Books and magazines and articles on the internet. Other blogs. I think so.

Thanks Larry!

I've never really delved into what the Serenity Prayer means - this sums it up quite nicely, while at the same time making you think about it.

ON a bipolar serenity prayer By hopeworkscommunity

A friend one time told me that the serenity prayer was the best description he knew of successful recovery from bipolar disorder. He described it a little differently than you normally hear:

1. God- Life is about more than me. There is a meaning and design to the world independent of what I think or feel. The first (and maybe biggest) trap of bipolar is to convince you that “it” is all about you and the measure of how things are is how you feel. “Life is not about what I can or cannot control, thank goodness, because so much of this is beyond my control.” There is a “higher power.” There is someone to turn to when I feel all alone and powerless and all feels loss.

2. grant me the serenity- “Grant”- that means it is a gift. It is not something I earn or create. Serenity is not something that I accomplish. It is something I accept. And again it means giving up my need to control. “If everytime I say control I could change it to manage or influence my life would be so much better.” Serenity is a focus on here and now. It is not being angry or sad about things gone wrong, or anxious about things yet to go wrong. Serenity is about taking things as they come.

3.To accept the things I cannot change- acceptance is such a major part of dealing with this. So much time is needlessly worrying about “what I got”, and not enough about “what I do with it.” Control is a focus on what I got. Management is a focus on what I do with it. A first rule of walls- “No matter how much you bang your head on them it doesn’t create a door to walk through.”

4.the courage to change the things I can- To live with bipolar means to be scared. There is a good reason some people call it a “terminal disease.” Positive steps are sometimes so small that they don’t always even seem a step. There are enough wounds and scars that you can’t help but worry sometimes about what is next. “And sometimes it so hard and so tiring and seems so impossible you just don’t want to try. Giving up seems to make such good sense.”

5.And the wisdom to know the difference- The beginning of all is to know. “Knowledge is necessity.” A big part of knowing what to do is knowing what you got. Another major part of wisdom is staying focused. Looking. Not assuming that because something feels so it doesn’t make it so. Wisdom also means realizing when you are not being so smart. The smartest thing is to be able to see our foolishness quick enough not to wreck.

It is important to realize that these things don’t just happen sequentially. It isn’t just do this first and this second and so on. Each one feeds into the other and the other feeds into it. Serenity helps give you courage, but courage increases your serenity. Wisdom helps to develop both, but each of them also increases wisdom. It is a net in effect. The serenity prayer in a real way is a safety net to keep you from drowning in the high waters of bipolar.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change
the courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Manic: A Memoir

I read a lot of (auto)biographies of people with bi polar disorder, I think I've said before that in times of crisis Christians turn to the Bible, and I turn to medical texts etc.
The problem I have with most of them is that the authors are so much more extreme than I am - if that makes sense - I have trouble identifying with them.
I jsut finished reading Manic: A Memoir by Terri Cheney. And this one has hit it on the head for me. I will go through it later and find some quotes that hit so close, that I understood so well that I couldn't believe it.
Here's a video:

and here's her website

Good job Terri. Well done.

GOT IT!!!!

Chiropractor and massage last night! Am detoxing! That's what is the matter!
YAY! Hot bath! Epsom Salts! Feel better!

Finding the Trigger

I feel all weird and wonky tonight and I didn't feel this way earlier so am trying to figure out what set me off.
I left work and walked to the streetcar stop, over to Spadina, down to Union, go get my train ticket for my visit home next weekend. I got a seat on the streetcar and was happy to be out of the rain (no jacket, no umbrella).
So we're fine. Was quick enough to think of the Spadina car so I didn't have to take the subway. (I hate the subway. I will do anything I can to stay above ground).
Crowded like rush hour in the Union concourse level. I sail through - waitressing gives you the skill of being able to seamlessly float through crowds, no matter which way they are going, you don't stop and neither does anyone else. It's lovely, choreographed without the need for rehearsal.
Train ticket price had gone up since I looked at it so needed to go back down to bank machine (I only deal in cash now - that's another post).
Back up to buy my ticket, back down to the concourse - I buy cigarettes - it's not as seamless as before - there's a guy in front of me who not only does he not know the dance, he's SLOW. And doing that fucking veering thing that drives me insane.
Do not pull your golf cart out in front of a race car please.
Okay maybe that's the thin edge of the wedge.
Not very crowded downstairs to get the streetcar, but two people are standing too close to me and they're not in the right spot. And then the guy tries to cut me off while we're getting on the streetcar. I "t-CHUH!" at him and he moves back. It's a dance - don't fuck it up.
Wedge.
Get a seat and continue to read my book. And they announce next stop Spadina - and I look up and for a minute I have NO idea where I am, did I go the wrong way, I don't even recognize the city, let alone the street. I realize where we are, recognize a landmark and try to calm myself down. I will not cry, but I am close.
Wedge.
Calm down. Move to another seat to have some space. Go to hop off at King - dude get OUT of my WAY! IF you don't know where you're going step to the side!
Stop at Fresh and Wild, big discussion with stockboy about how he clearly had the right of way when we collided in the condiments aisle. Another chatty discussion with the cashier.
It's pouring out. I fight with the dilemma - cab for $12 or streetcar for free (metropass)? I decide on cab as I am really getting wet.
LOVELY conversation with my cab driver and I am home safe. And as I unpack my purse I can feel it - and I am moving slowly, deliberately, methodically trying to hang on to something. Twice I say out loud in a sharp voice, "You are fine!"
So I don't know. What made me feel like this? Will ponder on it. But at least I'm paying attention.

On Finding Middle Ground (wikipedia)

Argument to moderation (Latin: argumentum ad temperantiam, also known as middle ground, false compromise, gray fallacy and the golden mean fallacy) is a logical fallacy which asserts that a compromise between two positions is correct. The middle ground is often invoked when there are sharply contrasting views that are deeply entrenched. While an outcome that accommodates both parties to some extent is more desirable than an outcome that pleases nobody, it is not necessarily correct.

The problem with the false compromise fallacy is that it implies that the positions being considered represent extremes of a continuum of opinions, and that such extremes are always wrong, and the middle ground always correct. This is not always the case. Sometimes only X or Y is acceptable, with no middle ground possible. Additionally, the middle ground fallacy allows any position to be invalidated, even those that have been reached by previous applications of the same method; all one must do is present yet another, radically opposed position, and the middle-ground compromise will be forced closer to that position.

Moderation is the process of eliminating or lessening extremes. It is used to ensure normality throughout the medium on which it is being conducted. Common uses of moderation include:

* Ensuring consistency and accuracy in the marking of student assessments.
* A moderator may remove unsuitable contributions from the website, forum or IRC channel they represent in accordance with their moderation system.
* A more proactive nuance is found in the Methodist church's use of the term for the heads of its conferences.
* A neutron moderator is used to slow down neutrons in a nuclear reactor.
* A way of life started at The American School In Japan by Chaiken of Biology. This lifestyle emphasizes perfect amounts of everything, not indulging in too much of one thing, hence moderation.

Moderation is also a principle of life. In ancient Greece, the temple of Apollo at Delphi bore the inscription Meden Agan - 'Nothing in excess'. Doing something "in moderation" means not doing it excessively. For instance, someone who moderates their food consumption tries to eat all food groups, but limits their intake of those that may cause deleterious effects to harmless levels. Similarly in Christianity, moderationism is the position that drinking alcoholic beverages temperately is permissible, though drunkenness is forbidden (see Christianity and alcohol). Moderation is a characteristic of the Swedish national psyche, more specifically described by the Swedish synonym lagom.

Mutant Time Travelling Mice and Me

Scientists have linked genes that control the body's circadian rhythm--also known as its 24-hour internal clock--to genes that contribute to the development of bipolar disorder. Scientists have long known that people with bipolar disorder have abnormalities in their biological rhythms, particularly their sleep patterns. By focusing on these rhythms in a recent study of mice, researchers found that animals that carried a mutation in one of the key genes of the circadian rhythm had behaviors that were surprisingly similar to people experiencing a manic episode of bipolar disorder. The investigators hope their finding could lead to new treatments for the condition.

full article here

Awesome Post From Beyond Blue

Italics mine. To Think About.

I'm not sure about the God part, but I know what she's talking about.

The time will come When with elation, you will greet yourself arriving at your own door in your own mirror, and each will smile at the other's welcome, and say, sit here. Eat. You will love again the stranger who was your self. Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart to itself, to the stranger who has loved you all your life, whom you have ignored for another, who knows you by heart. Take down the love letters from the bookshelf, the photographs, the desperate notes, peel your own image from the mirror. Sit. Feast on your life.

I'm just now walking to the door where my true self lives. I can identify the moments where I accidentally take a detour because my body speaks up: I experience a pinch in my stomach like the one I feel before speaking to a large crowd, and an accompanying nausea. Like I could pass up a plate of chocolate-cookies. I want to burst into tears but I try to hold back until I am alone.

In "The Inner Voice of Love," Henri Nouwen writes:


Giving yourself to others without expecting anything in return is only possible when you have been fully received. Every time you discover that you expect something in return for what you have given or are disappointed when nothing comes back to you, you are being made aware that you yourself are not yet fully received. Only when you know yourself as unconditionally loved--that is, fully received--by God can you give gratuitously. Giving without wanting anything in return is trusting that all your needs will be provided for by the One who loves you unconditionally. It is trusting that you do not need to protect your own security but can give yourself completely to the service of others....You cannot give yourself to others if you do not own yourself, and you can only truly own yourself when you have been fully received in unconditional love.

I fluctuate between period of security, when I know that I am loved by my husband and family, friends and pets. And then, for some reason, the security goes bye-bye, and in my neediness I start grabbing for the relationships where I know I am not fed and nurtured. I demand that a friend gives more to me than she is capable of. I hop into my emotional ambulance and try to rescue the hurting--where I convince myself that if I save my friend from her suffering, then she can give me what I need. But the irony of this rescue mission is that the more energy I expend on manipulating this relationship to cover my needs, the more vulnerable and exposed I feel. Writing this all down makes me see how ridiculous the cycle really is.

I know the difference between loving unconditionally and loving with stipulations. When I send an email with no expectations and don't hear back, I sometimes forget that I sent the email. It certainly doesn't interrupt my day. But when I press send, expecting to hear "thank you" within two days and don't hear "thank you" until day five, a hysteria ensues in that is hard to channel and control. That's because I have sent the email or made the phone call or sent the gift from a place where I am not yet received, as Nouwen would explain. He writes:

You need the other to experience inner wholeness, to have a sense of wellbeing. You have become emotionally dependent on the other and sink into depression because of his or her absence. It feels as if the other has taken away a part of you that you cannot live without. Then the pain of absence reveals a certain lack of trust in God's love. But God is enough for you.

I'm getting there, though, as my stomach ache and nausea now point me to the door of freedom, to the door of my true self, where I shall love the stranger who is I.

I Feel Good Today

Well I feel better. I got some stuff done, am trying to stay on top of things without going over the top of things. I threw things out.
I threw a lot of things out.
Sudden need for space and stuff being gone. A lot of it was past.
I kept someone I was going to throw out in too much of a hurry. Glad I stopped and thought about it.
Clean room, clean sheets, clean thoughts sweet dreams.
I hope.

10 Reasons You Don't Listen

Awesome article. Full text here, ten reasons below.

1. Truth
2. Blame
3. Need to be a Victim
4. Self-Deception
5. Defensiveness
6. Coercion Sensitivity
7. Being Demanding
8. Selfishness
9. Mistrust
10. Help Addiction

Just Five?

Five Good Reasons to Track Your Mood

Full article at link - five reasons below.

1. Triggers and warning signs.
2. Wellness strategies.
3. Planning for health.
4. Actively participate.
5. A health professional's dream.

Friday laugh

Dragon

Yep as predicted I was able to fly and I wore the right shoes to do it in and flew to catch the streetcar and the music was blasting in my ears and I was moving at the speed of light how did I miss the streetcar stupid changing lights.
there's a drunk crazy guy on the streetcar who suddenly exclaims that the OPP should take a flying fuck at a roman donut. I don't know what he means but I know where that statement came from because I have that same space in my brain. And I smile and nod and that seems to make him feel better.
And I'm at the Cameron on the porch and it's funny and loud and laughing and I am the funniest of all and I get daring and dangerous and Dougall says I'm a force to be reckoned with and honey oh yes how reckonable I am, so we go inside and listen to Corin who is playing slow and softly and I'm suddenly in tears because it is a record lonesome night and I agree with every note that comes out of his mouth and he sings another song that says you can't treat me like that just cause I'm in love with you and I have to go back outside cause he's hitting too close and too hard.
It's crowded outside and I yell at the boys to stop taking up space and make some room for other people and if you want me to stay you better buy my a drink and Jonny does and I am all smiles and giggles and flirtatious looks and here's a hug here's two here's three but don't touch me back I may cry.
We plan a boozy brunch for the Fringe girls and I am still there enough not to invite the entire bar and suddenly it's dark and when did that happen? Where did the time go? Where is the day? When did the matinee become the late show? Paula and I have a sit down convo about how the fest went and how she's doing and she shakes her head a bit when I down my meds with a swallow of beer and says 'valley of the dolls' with the smile of a friend who knows that's probably not the best way to take meds but will watch out for me just in case. I'm batting a thousand tonight and we decide like ladies to go home and we pile into a cab and I get home and suddenly the sad and the mixed up come to life as I turn on the lights and I text someone that's how I feel because I think I want to talk about it, but then again i don't I don't want a voice I want someone to sit in silence and pat my hand as I cry and cry and don't understand why and then I stare silently and blankly at the darkness for a while and think about it all everything and nothing and I close the curtains and the windows and crank up the air conditioner so there will be cold dark quiet and maybe just maybe that will soothe the dragon enough to let me sleep.

The Dragon is Waking Up

Or may be sleepwalking.

Woke me up at 4:00 in the morning - which is dragon time for me. Walked it off a bit, went and sat for a while, couldn't find my glasses a good thing as kept me from getting involved in doing stuff finally found my cigarettes and went back to sleep after an hour or so of petting the dragon.
Things are sharp and clear today and I am as smart as a whip and sharp as a tack and so many things are oh so funny, especially me and I want to get drunk and blow off some steam tired of being boring, so let's hop to it. You can't talk fast enough for me, mu hearing is faster than your talking so I have to interrupt to get you to your point it's only 9:48 how will I get through this day isn't it funny that we're going to see the theatre today for the info sessions and it's at CAMH? I will be very quiet.
I am so smart dispensing sage advice and words of wisdom punctuated by giggles so nobody thinks I take my self too seriously. I can't focus long enough to go get coffee I send someone else - I don't really need it but lets keep going!
I want to go to an art show tonight, I want to go to the Cameron tonight, I really should go see my fairygodchildren this weekend my house is a wreck and I should do that too clean it up I mean whoops just stammered out my coffee order stupid dragon making me stammer.
Am giggling even more now, and the words just keep coming and regular words aren't good enough so am making some up like "door goer outer" and it's funny and I brush it off cuz that's what I DO right I'm creative and sparky and I write the copy and that's what they love about me. I'm not giggling out loud as much I know you won't find it as funny as I do.
By the way I typed this faster than you can read it and thought it faster than I typed it so boy howdy you're moving twice as slow as I want and need you to or you just won't understand it it needs to be read with sped (read with speed?) in order to GET it and you don't you don't GET it I'm moving on.
My eyes are awfully bright and I keep bursting into giggles that I try to keep quiet cuz nobody knows just how funny things are and I have an answer for everything and I bet by the afternoon I will be able to fly.

AN Awesome Post by Someone Else

A woman named Sheri has an awesome blog here and this particular post really spoke to me. I've edited it in places - it's how I feel. Thank you Sheri. Her blog is also on my reading list to your left.

It seems to me that one of the worst things about Depression and Bipolar is not the meds or stigma of having a mental illness but rather the ever-present symptoms of the extreme lows and crushing highs. The highs made me sick with fatigue but too blind to see it so I just spiralled about, exiting the whole thing with next to no memory of it at all. Of course, other high symptoms are just as bad… like attracting AND simultaneously alienating every single person I encountered… or taking too many risks that broke me financially, made me hate my sexual being and left me close to death a few times from my wild child days. The highs were high only in the actual moment. Everything else was the big symptom called the aftermath; leaving collateral damage everywhere… from broken relationships to intense shame to the sickening realization that other than a few really creative writing pieces, I had nothing left but the sad pieces of my mania to clean up.

And I was never really good at cleaning house when it came to my mind and body. I’m getting far better at it during my therapy nowadays but that transformation is still only 6 months into its process and I’m not foolish enough to think that when my Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is done that I will be a completely new person. I know I have to implement the lessons I’ve learned and keep them active for… well… ever. One of the parts of the program is called, Managing your Symptoms and it is a great one. It deals with everything from fatigue and sleep deprivation to physical pain, to poor nutrition, weight problems and the list goes on. The one I was particularly interested in was about managing pain. And wow, do I have physical pain sometimes like you’d never imagine… don’t we all?

I think it’s those symptoms that get us every time. We hope and pray we’re not depressed and that the headaches are because of anything else other than depression (especially if we have been stable for a good chunk of time). We convince ourselves that the aches and pains and stress we feel in our hearts is simply because life is complicated right now… or that the new chair at work doesn’t help much well then it would go away… at least for a while, just long enough for me to keep hiding from the truth. The pain will most likely always be there… but like any other symptom, of depression or any other disease, it can often be managed. Figuring out how is the tricky part. Asking for help doing so is excruciating. I

I think I fought admitting depression for so long because I am so skilled at doing it and because I knew that the second I stopped hiding from it was the moment I had to sink or swim. I was never a good swimmer but compared to drowning, I choose the harder battle.

Unusual Things Today

I started to cry in the middle of the library - because "Super Trouper" started playing on my iPod;
I got the list of shows I have comps for - and suddenly felt I had nobody to go with, or that there was nobody I wanted to go with, or who would want to go with me.

I walked a lot tonight. This is SO what normal people do: get some exercise, go to the library, get some groceries, come home, eat, read, watch TV.

Dragon's stirring in its sleep. WHY?

Sometimes I worry that fear of boredom, withdrawal from being high on me is what makes me depressed. That I don't know how to be anything but extreme and so when I'm normalized (boring) I create my own extreme - anything to avoid normal.

I don't know what normal is. Or rather I've spent over 30 years not being normal and that's a hard switch.

Later or tomorrow I will write two paragraphs - one about manic and one about depressed, and I will include everything about them in all their glory.

I am realizng now I had a couple blackouts on DJ night. I was playing my playlist on my iPod which I pretty much stuck to - there are songs I don't remember playing - yet I must have. Blackout.

And the Boring Starts to Slip

into frustration and edginess and that feeling in your nose before you cry. What was that, four hours? No - it was more than that - i was getting edgy last night. Restless. What triggered this?

- waiting to hear back from someone - holding patterns make me crazy
- lack of structure at work today
- haven't been feeling at my physical best the past couple of days - meds not staying in me as long as they should.

I hate this. this is so stupid. How can anyone be that easily affected? By LIFE?? What am I supposed to do, wrap myself up in cotton batting and rest gently in the bottom of a drawer?
Am I crying into manic or into depressed?

The dragon is waking up.

Go the fuck back to sleep.

I'm gonna go for a walk after work to the library and the grocery store and you better have gone the fuck back to sleep by the time I get back.

(I can talk to the dragon however I want. It's a dragon, not a baby. Or a pet. Or even a plant.)

Boring is the New Black

God I'm boring right now. I can barely stand myself. I suppose it's better than manic or depressed when I definitely can't stand myself, but - is this it? Is this what normal is like?

A Picture Is Worth a Thousand Words

so I guess here are four thousand words?

A non-annoying video about this on YoutTube

WHy must everyone set "their story" to annoying Kurt Cobain style music.?

this one is not.

Back To Basics

Let's throw some basics up here for those who might stumble upon this.



Bipolar Disorder: An Information Guide

This guide is for people with bipolar disorder, their families and anyone who wants to understand the basics of this illness, its treatment and management. It should not replace treatment from a physician or mental health professional. It can be used, though, as a basis for asking about and discussing bipolar disorder. This handbook covers many aspects of bipolar disorder and common questions.

very helpful, very informative. Thanks CAMH.

Someone asked me a while ago why I read so many textbooks on BP and so many stories bout people with BP. I thought about it and I think that it's because it is something to cling to. Christians turn to their Bible in times of need or crisis, and I turn to information on BP. Or stories which help me feel less alone, or help me feel like I'm doing better that I feel like I am. "oh, yeah, I get that. I've done that. You did that?" it's very reassuring.

Kick The Dragon

If you're going to be here quit taking up space!
It's better I suppose that you're asleep, much better than when you're awake and breathing fire but here you are. Taking up space.
Stupid dragon.

MAD Pride

It's MAD Pride week here in Toronto - I think it is other places too. Oh it is. From their website -

The Mad Pride Organizing Committee is a group of psychiatric survivors/consumers and friends within the City of Toronto. We have gathered yearly over the past 16 years to organize and host pride and recognition activity for a diverse community of psychiatric and consumer survivors. Administration for this activity is managed by The Friendly Spike Theatre Band, with assistance from Parkdale Community Legal Services, Parkdale Activity Recreation Centre, and Soundtimes Support Services. This year, July 13th - 19th 2009 has been officially proclaimed Mad Pride Week in the City of Toronto. Mad Pride was also celebrating across the world in North America, Europe, and Africa on the same day linking mental health system users around the globe. This year the main event will include a “Bed Push”, which is a parade that involves the crowd dressing up in pajamas and pushing hospital beds down the street. The idea is to promote community development for mental health system users and create awareness about mental health issues.

Hmmm. I don't like the Bed Push. Doesn't that reinforce stereotypes? Isn't the pride part supposed to be that you are capable of being a functioning member of a society you contribute to?

"I would not join any club that would have someone like me for a member."

So far the thing I like about it is that there are articles in the Globe and Mail about mental health issues (useful or not, they're at least there) and books about mental health are out loud and proud this week at the library, as opposed to having to search for them and put them on hold.

What are we reading today?

"Finding your BiPolar Muse: How to Master Depressive Droughts and Manic Floods and Access Your Creative Power". - I think I read this one before. I was manic when I did so I don't remember. It sounds familiar. Five bucks says it's gonna be flaky.

"A Promise of Hope: The Astonishing True Story of a Woman Afflicted With BiPolar Disorder and the Miraculous Treatment That Cured Her". She better not just find God or something or I'll be pissed.

"Women of the Asylum". It's about women who were involuntarily committed usually b their husbands or male relatives between 1840 and 1945.

I'd probably have been committed back then too. It's actually the one I'm most looking forward to.

I'm home sick today. I've hit critical mass on my lithium and the nausea side effect has kicked in. I can work from home - I just need to be in my pajamas while I do it.

I suppose I'm one of those people that keeps the "stigma" alive. According to my doctor I am an extrememly high functioning BP 2 person. I have a steady job, work hard, socialize, never been hospitalizedetc etc etc. Most people just think of my as a very busy person.

Other friends I have cannot hold down a job, or get out of bed for days on end.
I feel like that somedays too. But I don't. Because I guess I am lucky enough to have sheer strength of will and you get on with getting on with life, whether you like it or not. It is my greatest strength and greatest weakness.


"I compare myself with my former self, not with others. Not only that, I tend to compare my current self with the best I have been, which is when I have been midly manic. When I am my present "normal" self, I am far removed from when I have been my liveliest, most productive, most intense, most outgoing and effervescent. In sort, for myself, I am a hard act to follow."
— Kay Redfield Jamison

I don't say lithium keeps me stable. I say it keeps me boring.

(this is by NO means an insult or a judgement to those who sometimes can't)

This Is Pretty Cool

Mood Tracker

Optimism prompts you to keep a detailed record of all things that affect your state of mind. By monitoring patterns in your life you can identify negative influences that you need to avoid, early warning signs that your health is deteriorating, and the inputs and activities that benefit you most.

It's a computeriezed mood chart. I hate doing mood charts because you have to print them out anf fill them out. It's not - tidy.
this is pretty cool. Maybe I'll get it.
ALthough you have to wonder, is it the equivalent of buying an exercise DVD that you don't do?

I Go Out Walkin'

I walked six miles tonight after work in the hopes that it will make me sleep tonight. We live in a society where people are congratulated and marvelled at if they can function on little sleep.
It ain't pretty when I don't.
I bet if everyone ran on two to four hours a night for a week or so to the point of hallucinations it wouldn't be so marvelled at.

"In the night of the soul, it is always three o’clock in the morning, day after day." F. Scott Fitzgerald

It's Not Just Me

I found this on YouTube one day when I was particularly manic and searching for anything on google that would make me feel better.


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